An Open Letter to my Housemates

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Dear Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber-

So I could've make this letter really short and tell you to GROW UP, but that's not like me at all. And frankly, I'm not willing to change for either of you.

Tweedle Dumb, you need to acknowledge that you are a ginormous hypocrite (not literally ginormous, but figuratively).

You work from around 7 to 4, and some days you only teach eleven students total. On your hardest days you teach less than one-third of the number I teach. You don't have an extracurricular activity to moderate. You do nothing after work.

So your accusing Slappy of being lazy for not vacuuming when he was on a light rotation was pretty rich. You had a whole week off for Mardi Gras, we did not. And vacuuming is about number 26,000 on my to-do list. Furthermore, your best pal, Tweedle Dumber? She has not cleaned a single square centimeter of this house in the 8 months she's lived here. And she doesn't work at all. Perhaps you're barking up the wrong cleaning tree?

But yea, Slappy totally should've been vacuuming while you were sitting on the couch in the living room watching tv for all the hours you aren't working. And also? If you'd like to monopolize the living room with your television watching, stop denying that you don't want your own television. THE LIVING ROOM TELEVISION IS NOT YOURS. We have an extra tv, the cable hookup cost is minimal. And frankly, sometimes we'd like to be able to hang out downstairs too.

Also? Your friend laughs like a lawnmower. Both in tone and volume. So you should definitely have him over until 1 or 2 in the morning.

And the fact that you get such great pleasure out of our cat loving you (which we both know is entirely because you feed her because frankly, the cat is nothing but a food whore), is really just bitchy. She's not yours, she's ours. It would be one thing if she liked you and you acted like it wasn't intentional. It's an entirely different thing that you don't hide the fact that you love that the cat loves you most right now. If you love her so much, why don't you clean out her crap box? Fairweather parent much?

And your best friend, Tweedle Dumber? And her boyfriend, Shrek? We too need to have words.

This is not a brothel. This is not a hotel. 4 people living in this house is already pushing the limits, so when you add one special ogre to that mix, there's not enough room. Not enough room in the refrigerator, not enough room when I'm trying to cook dinner in the kitchen and as in this morning, not enough hot water for 5 people. If the ogre is going to live here, he needs to be paying room and board.

I'm serious. We're not giving away free hot water and gas right now.

But more importantly, Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber, you have got to be aware of the fact that at 6 in the morning, having a conversation where one person is upstairs and one is downstairs is NOT OKAY. Nor is spreading yourselves out in the living room and kitchen such that there is not one SINGLE INCH OF QUIET SPACE in the entire 2000 square feet. Nor is letting food mold in the fridge and claiming it's not yours. Nor is using my yellow onion, which I bought with the intent of using (I'm craaaaaazying like that).

Seriously. Grow up. If you want the house cleaner, clean it. No where on the lease did it say that we would be exclusively in charge of maintaining a clean environment. No where on the lease did it say that you could act like no one else was around to be considerate of. And no where on the lease did it say that we would clean your shit out of the fridge for you. The next moldy dish I pull out of the fridge is going on one of your beds.

I'm entirely serious. The two of you alone are enough to make me need mood stabilizers. But frankly, if I had them, I think I'd crush them up and poison feed them to you.

In short, grow the fuck up. Welcome to adulthood, someday you might be an official resident. Not likely.

Hoping for hot water and wishing for a freaking moment of PEACE and QUIET,


Dysfunction Junction: said...

They blow goats...the end.

Also, pretty puh-leese send this into passive-agreesive notes...

It gave me an awesome belly laugh and oooh girl, I needed it.

Sue G said...

But, Katie, how do you REALLY feel?


gudnuff said...

omg, I so do not miss those days. It will be over soon, it will be over soon, it will be over soon. Just keep humming that to yourself. (I laughed too, though, 'cause we've all been there and it totally sucks but it's funny when YOU say it...ha)

Anonymous said...

I can't imagine being a newlywed and having housemates, must really truly be awful. My sympathy is coming your way.

Flea said...

You're leaving soon. You're leaving soon. You're leaving soon. You're leaving soon. Leaving them to grow the mold and foot the bill and clean the house. You should totally leave the litter box.

Daisy, Just Daisy said...

Let me know if I need to come down & kick them in the shins.

Ness said...'ve got it coming from all sides! Major hugs to you!

And if these idjuts procreate may they have children just like themselves...

Becs said...

Thank you for posting this. There are times when I (in my joblessness) seriously contemplate getting a new roommate.

Then I remember:

1. Roomie number one tried to take everything that wasn't nailed down when she moved out.

2. Roomie 2 was a gift from heaven. God bless her. I miss her soooo much.

3. Roomie 3...Well, I hate to say it, but I kicked her out. She wanted me to mommy her and honestly, if I'd wanted children, I would have had them.

4. Applicant 1 was supposed to move in on the day she was committed.

5. End of story.

The Floydster said...

Whoa! And we're wondering where the headaches are coming from?

Lipstick Jungle said...


I have a couple rooms to spare if you want them to move out.

They are called the shed, and the ge-rage!

Stephanie said...