Growing Pains

Thursday, February 26, 2009

You may or may not have noticed that I haven't written virtually anything of substance in the past week or so. On the one hand, I was having a great time at Mardi Gras. On the other, I'm finding myself at a crossroads in life and I'm struggling to keep my head above water.

Yes, we've reached that point in the semester. The point where I fall apart and don't think I can handle it. But in all fairness, this is the toughest school semester to date and the toughest teaching year as well. It's like a perfect storm of chaos and my mind is not doing such a great job of processing it.

It's, of course, exacerbated by a lack of sleep and time. I have an exam on Monday, a quiz on Tuesday and oh yes, work everyday. I have virtually zero lesson planning completed, which is wonderful. I have gotten 6 hours of sleep for the past two nights and the increased dose of Neurontin is also not helping with the zombie-tired feeling. I'm tired, crabby and just in a constant state of panic.

I'm also on day 3 of a diet, which, as I'm sure you can imagine, is also really helping. I know you're tired of hearing about my weight and body issues, but I managed to gain another 2 pounds over Mardi Gras and I just want to shed it all this very instant. I am doing well at not starving myself, but boy is the urge ever there. I want results now. I want to fit into my pants now. I want to not notice all the extra curves I have now. And yet, I'm can't. The control freak portion of my mind (read: virtually all of my mind) is really unhappy about that.

I also have an odd nagging guilt about the blog. I noticed I was de-blogrolled from a blog of someone I considered a "friend" and I was surprised at how much it hurt. I also have this "follower" thing bugging me because, yes, I do want to follow you, but I can't follow some people and not others. I'm not good at choosing or at leaving people out. I'd either have to follow greater than about 50 blogs, or none, which is my current position. If that means you want to unfollow me, I understand, I might want to also.

I think that sometimes I forget that putting myself out here in the blog world can be just as emotionally draining as putting myself out into the real world. I get the highs of praise and I get the lows of criticism. I get people wanting to be my friend, I get people telling me that I'm crazy. Sometimes it's a lot to deal with.

I don't know.

It seems like nothing in my life can go the smoothest or most reasonable way right now, everything has to be tough and convoluted. I desperately want to get past this period of turmoil because this isn't me and it's draining, emotionally and physically.

I just want to have a few minutes of free time where I'm not bickering with my husband (note to the unmarried: the first year of marriage is very difficult. Worth it, but very difficult) or trying to be prepared for what's class or teaching lesson is right around the corner. I need a break from a lot of things, I just don't know how to get one.

I think a lot of it is just life. It's growing up. It's putting on my big girl underwear and dealing with my emotions instead of wallowing in self-pity and writing epically long blog posts about absolutely nothing. It's moving forward, even when you really really just want to sit still, cover your ears and block out the world.

Growing up kind of sucks.


Daisy, Just Daisy said...

We are all there. Maybe not with the exact same problems, but we are at that age of crossroads & changes and sometimes- that just sucks.

Just think about a year from now when you can concentrate on just *your* classes and not the ones you have to teach as well. In a house with no house-mates and a total certainty about where you'll live & be in the next year. That kind of stability is going to do wonders for your state of mind & Slappy's.

Oh? And you rock. I'm sorry if I started anything with the blog "followers"- I didn't mean to.

Dysfunction Junction: said...

You have big girl underpants too?? We're destined to be together.

Also (and I'm sure this will be one of my many poorly worded posts) but I try to use the 6 month rule.

Meaning, will this matter to me in 6 months? It doesn't always work, but sometimes I can "think" my way out of stressful things.

*here if you need me*

CatMominPhilly said...

Kind of sucks? Gorwing up TOTALLY SUCKS>

Sue G said...

I have no idea what being "de-blogrolled" means, but my keen powers of assumption (I am nothing if not assuming) suggest that someone has decided not to follow and/or support your blog because you haven't been following theirs. After I stop patting myself on my back for being a faithful follower of yours for quite a while (on CB) and on this blog since you posted about it DESPITE the fact that you (until recently) had never posted in my guest book--geez this is a long sentence-- I will just say that you just have to stop ruminating and move on.

Writers are an odd lot. They have a need to communicate with the world. But writers of blogs go a step further. They have a need to communicate AND a need to have the world communicate back that they're listening, that they like what you wrote. Perhaps this person was just another insecure writer, sharing her life with the unknown voyeurs of cyber world and waiting to be extolled or crucified. You know...any press is still press.

Whatever the reason, you have more than enough on your plate right now (the proverbial one, not the real one because you're dieting). You need to stay focused on what to do to take care of you and let other people's choices be their responsibility.

Personally, I think you have a strong voice, one worth listening to...whether you "follow" me or not. Reading your blog is something I do for me.

Sorry about the lecture. I just hate to see you waste time and energy over things you can't control. It's your life, and you get the privilege of living it the way you want.

Overflowing Brain said...


You *are* awesome with the Jewish guilt!

Kidding. But actually, what I meant by "deblogrolled" was that I was suddenly taken off their blogroll (the list of blogs that one keeps on their page for recommended reading). Ironically, I had this person linked until I noticed my deblogrolling and then in a moment of sheer maturity, deblogrolled them back. I may regret that later, but for now, it feels adolescent-esquely good.

If it makes you feel better, I haven't commented on anyone's website in ages. Life has been wicked busy. I'll get there. I promise.

Anonymous said...

Sorry you're having so many problems! As far as the diet...there's a great site that could help:
There's everything you could ever want on there to help out.
Following everyone's blogs: I have the problem with the ever growing number of caringbridge sites I follow. Where do you draw the line? It's not easy! You've got to do what you've got to do and there's no way you're going to follow all those blogs with everything else that's going on there!
Stopping by to let you know that you're always in my thoughts and prayers!
Psalms 31:24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.
Prayer Bears
My email address

kim-d said...

I almost hate to tell you this because it's not going to do a lot to make you feel better, but I'm twice your age and have been feeling almost the exact same as what you described. I am too old for this, I think...but that doesn't stop it from being that way. I go through periods now where I'm more insecure than I was when I was 25. OY! But, it does get at least a little better, I think. Just hang in there, and it will be better.

It hurt my feelings a lot when you stopped commenting to me; I missed you very much. Thought I would get over it because, hey, ya know...things change and that's just the way it is. Well, I didn't get over it. I still miss you, but I do at least try to understand that you have stuff to do other than comment to me. Still...

Just thought I'd tell you all this; don't know why.

What these things are, I think, are the valleys in the hills and valleys of life. Sometimes they're just really deep and there are a lot of them. It will be okay, eventually.

The Artful Blogger said...

I just added you to my blogroll (something I should have done a month ago), so at least there is that. You are an awesome person, a fact that I was able to glean in spending just 3 hours with you and Daisy et al. You will get through this. The beginning of this year has sucked for so many of us, and just know that you are not alone. Supporting each other in numbers cannot be a bad thing, right?

And having seen you in person, let me say that I have NO IDEA why you need to lose weight. I suppose our own body image is often the harshest. You look great; Slappy is a lucky man.

I, on the other hand, am about 20 lbs away from happiness :-)

Sue G said...

Katie, thank you so much for the compliment. Yes, I am "veddy" good at Jewish guilt. (When I accepted Christ many years ago I realized I didn't stop being Jewish, I just stopped waiting...but, that's another story). I am equally as good at raising dysfunctional children (who, no thanks to me, have fought for function and attained it beautifully), at keeping my husband in his place (I have always told him it was his job to earn the money and my job to spend it and, heck, is it my fault I did a better job than he did?), and at having the last word (my personal favorite).

It's a gift.

Becs said...

It feels like rejection, I think, being de-blogrolled. This is why I don't blogroll. I don't handle rejection well.

Dieting goes along with Lent, I s'pose. Although my idea of "no meat" means the buffet at Shalimar (King of Sweets!) in Little India.

Anonymous said...

Just my .02. You have to get more than 6 hours of sleep. Sleep deprivation exacerbates all the other problems you are having and can turn molehills into mountains. It can also ruin your health. The first response to that suggestion is usually, "I don't have time." Yes, you do. Make a list of what your priorities are and think about if you are getting payback for what you spend your time on. Don't worry about the blog thing...posting, commenting, whatever. In the big picture of life, it does not matter. Your health does. Your relationship with people in your life does. Your schooling and your job do. Spend the time where you need to and forget the rest. You can reprioritize as you need to.

Ness said...

Katie, this current place in your life that you're in,it will pass and you will live through it. It's one of those rites of passage. I look back now and wonder how I lived through going through nursing school pregnant, getting my Bachelor's at 39, divorce, moving. Somehow, we just reach deep down into our stressed, sick bodies and do it and at the time we don't know how and when we look back we don't know how we did it, but we did. I used to take offense that you would seldom write on my blog but then I realized you had a full plate and that less is more, because the times you do write, you have given me great info that I needed at that moment. Be gentle with yourself, and read Desiderata even if you've read it before. It helps. I have it posted over my desk.

Anonymous said...

I gave up worrying about followers a long time ago. I started my blog with NO followers, and have my small crew of loyal followers now. And I follow much less than I used to. In the end, my blog and the blogs I read are for ME. My writing, and the posts I write, are NOT to get comments. Do I like comments? Sure. I guess. I take it to mean I hit a nerve. But so often people read and don't comment that you can't assume few comments means few readers. And even if it does, I don't care.

Now, I write far less posts but I feel my posts, and thus my blog, are better for it.

Find your right balance. Be true to you. Recall why you started this blog. Was it for the comments? If not, channel that back and you'll do just fine.

Plus, you already got me and Daisy out of the deal. What more do you really want? A Nobel Prize? (you do, don't you? ;^) )

Flea said...

Um. The first two or three years of marriage are difficult. But worth it. If you survive. :)

I don't think I'm actually following anyone's blog, though a handful are following me. Lord have mercy - between Twitter and Facebook and my blogroll (which is how I keep up with everyone), there's just too much! No following! Following bad!

I like Sue. Can I have her? Can we share? Sue, can you send me some of your husband's money to spend? Please?

Katie, you're going to do what you're going to do. And you're going to stress about what you're going to stress about. Just know that you don't get a purple heart for stressing over blog issues. And there are some of us who love you and will read and comment if we never see you comment on our blogs.

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