Is it still paranoia if it's happened before?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Today was my anti-doctor day, but tomorrow is going to be another fun doctor-filled one.

After a blissful few months off from the worries of the boobs, I have to go tomorrow for my first semi-annual breast check. For those new to the site, I'd recommend reading here or here or here, but essentially, in April I had surgery to remove 1/4th of my right breast (after a previous biopsy of the same area a year and a half before) and it revealed typical and atypical hyperplasias, which means that my risk of developing breast cancer is four five (apparently I've blocked some of my old research out...oops) times greater than the average woman. It also caused the most fiasco-esque medical complication I've ever had involving ridiculous draining boob. On my wedding and through my honeymoon. It, in a word, SUCKED.

So, anyways, the way we're dealing with this is to molest my boobs with an ultrasound wand as my doctor said, "every six months until we find something." Yea. So tomorrow is that.

In all honesty, with the headache and the sinuses and then the foot, it had been the farthest thing from my mind, however, now, the night before, I'm suddenly terrified. The last time I went for a check-in (post biopsy) with the boob doctor I walked out with a surgery date. I kid you not. And so I'm suddenly paralyzed by the fear of what tomorrow's appointment might hold for me.

Will they find anything? If they find anything, what will we do this time? What if it's worse? What if we can't tell? What if they make me play the "wait and see" game with a spot? What if, what if, what if.

I know I seem like I'm being paranoid and excessively worried, but I can't help but wonder if it's really paranoia when it's happened before. Because frankly it feels a lot more like deja vu.


lace1070 said...

I am sure you have a little post traumatic stress about the whole thing, I would! Whatever comes at you next, I feel certain u can handle it. true story! Hey ~ I know u r incredibly busy and have no down time ~ but if u have some time to read, I have a good book about defying the odds. I think u would like it. Hugs ~ Lace

Lipstick Jungle said...

You have every right to be paranoid.

As a cancer survivor, and a BRCA2 gene carrier, I completely understand your fear! I go in every year not with the thought of "if" I will get cancer again, but "when" I will get cancer again. Its scary. And its very hard to not allow it to define you.

Know though that as women who are screened more than the average woman, while our risks are much higher (mine is 85% by the age of 60), we are also watched closer, and will most likely find anything that may pop up in much earlier stages than women who aren't poked and prodded every 6 months.

Has your doctor ever mentioned, or is he/she aware of Breast Coil MRI's? They are an open air MRI that you literally lay into, with magnetic fields going around the entire breast. It is fairly new, but is one of the best and most painless/comfortable ways to be monitored.

I will be thinking about you tomorrow - and praying that nothing will be found! Take care, and good luck lady!

Flea said...

I'll be praying for you tomorrow. I go in in two weeks for an ultrasound, since my mammogram wasn't what they wanted to see on the right breast. Deep, cleansing breaths, girl.

Ness said...

It's OK to be paranoid. God knows you've earned the right. Praying that all goes well. When does Slappy get home?