Dear Universe

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


I actually thought to myself, you know what? I'm being too negative, let me sit down and write a happier blog about the things that are going right in my life right now. And then I stared at a blank computer screen for 10 minutes.

And then I forgot what I was doing in the first place.

This week freaking blows. How many weeks in a row have I written that now? I'm going to have to change this blog to Overflowing Pessimism. Or Overflowing Shitfest. Or Overflowing Whiner. Or just Obnoxious.

For example, I love my husband dearly, or at least I think I do. It's difficult to remember since I haven't seen him in forever. He's on-call 2 nights a week now and since I'm working shitacular hours, I've seen him for like, um 3 hours since Monday morning at 5am. I don't love that. I feel like our schedules have made it impossible to spend any quality time together lately and my schedule isn't going to improve any time soon.

Work is handing me my ass at regular intervals. I lose track half-way through whatever I'm teaching. I forget whole binders full of information. I get classes confused and I cannot seem to get ahead on my work at all. No matter how much time I spend planning, I'm always only like 10 minutes ahead. And I still feel constantly incompetent.

Ditto on coaching, except, you know, the results of those endeavors are widely publicized, which just increases the likelihood of exposure of my ineptitude.

The classes that I'm taking are being put rather unabashedly on hold. My psych class is on a no-tardy-points reprieve still from the hurricane, which I hadn't planned on utilizing, except that when I sat down to actually do the assignment, I couldn't get the audio lecture to work. Because, well, it's me. Let's be honest, it's not the computer, it's me.

And above all else, my head still freaking hurts. So much I could just cry. And I'm tired all the damn time. I'm trying to give Topamax an honest try because I want it to work, I want these headaches to respond to medicine. I'll suffer through these side effects if my head will simmer the fuck down. I'll deal with my lips tingling and twitching, I'll deal with the fact that only 25mg a day has caused my brain to melt to drowsy mush, I'll manage the fact that when I get cold I completely lose feeling in my extremities if my head will just STOP.

I think I spoke too soon- one good thing happened today. I came up with a better name for Topamax. I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with Topasuck, but you switch the s with an f.


brneyedgal967 said...

Go ahead say it... TOPOFUCK! You certainly won't offend me by saying the "f" word... I used to hold it inside of me like a closely guarded secret I could only utter in the confidence of close friends -- fuck that... let the "f" word fly.

Okay, when I first read "Stop Sucking" - I thought, oh no, she's had another shitty day. Which you have had. But, I have to admit, your phrasing had me laughing. You have a way with words woman! Let me recap the laughter parts:

"I'm working shitacular hours" - lmfao - Webster needs to put that one in the dictionary.

"Work is handing me my ass at regular intervals" - Are you really making this stuff up? You need a stage, not a blog.

Sweetie, (and yes, I can call you that because I am older and just because, harrumph) welcome to life. Sometimes it's glorious and sometimes it sucks green donkey dicks... to recall an old 80's phrase.

Your blog stands out among the several I try to read daily for being "real" and not sugar coated, goody-goody. Keep it that way.


As far as your headaches go - shit, if I could take it away, I would. What else have you tried besides pharmaceuticals? Relaxing meditation? Acupuncture? Herbal remedies? A lot of people scoff at alternative medicine, but I believe there is something to it. Because of your medical history I'd still consult with your doctor if you try alternative therapies... but try it. If this Topafuck is causing you to suffer - IT'S NOT WORKING. Are you supposed to endure wicked side effects for days or weeks before it "kicks in?"

Shit. That's just not right.

Explore your options - that's my only advice. As long as your whole "head thingy" (because I'm too lazy to go back and look at the medical terminology on your blog) is not rearing its' ugly head, then see what else is out there you might be able to try if your doctor can't suggest an alternative remedy.

Blech. Hell, I'm not a doctor or a nurse - but my family is full of them, so what the fuck do I know. Just my two cents.

Hope something gives for you soon.

Flea said...

I must be taking Topasux, too, because I can't remember what alternatives you've tried, and I've been keeping up for awhile. Tammy's got a good point. I have a good friend who's a licensed massage therapists who's been working on my back and shoulders to tackle my migraines. Well, for about twenty minutes a week and a half ago she did. I've been pain free since then. It's the most bizarre thing ever. Worth exploring, since, you know, there's a slight chance that stress could play a tiny part in this. My migraines are hormonal, but it seems that stress is a factor.

Patti said...

Hi Katie~

It is great to know that I am not alone. I am going thru the same situation~starting a new drug~for me Neurontin~ and feeling like a zombie every moment of the day. It totally sucks out loud!! I feel your pain...

I also have Chiari Malformation with Syringomyelia. I had decompression surgery 8 months ago. I am still having all the same symptoms and problems I had before surgery. These symptoms were supposed to go away!!!

People around me must get so tired of me boo-hoo-ing all the time about how crappy I feel. It is a relief to know I have people like you out there in blog-land to "lean on" everyday. We all need to hang in there together. Thanks for what you do, it is a big help!!