Air Max

Monday, September 15, 2008

I almost killed a man on an airplane yesterday. And it wouldn't have been an act of terrorism, it would've been an act of divine justice. If you knew the man you'd probably have thanked me.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Sunday morning I arrived at the local airport in my hometown at 7:45 for a 9:10 flight. I checked in quickly and settled in the terminal and actually got some work done. When I looked at the clock on my computer I realized that holy crap, it was 9:05, the plane I was supposed to be already aboard had not yet arrived and my connection at LAX was in an hour and 45 minutes. It's a tight connection when the first flight is on time, but it's almost impossible when the PLANE ISN'T EVEN THERE 5 MINUTES BEFORE IT'S SUPPOSED TO TAKE OFF.

So I calmed down a little and waited. And waited. At 9:20 the plane came in, at 9:26 we boarded and we hit the ground at LAX at 10:35. My flight out of LAX was for 10:50 however, despite the fact that I was traveling on the same airline for both flights, my gates were like 7 miles apart. So I ran. I had a backpack, a laptop back and a diet coke in a bottle (which incidentally was a diet coke exploded all over my chair about 15 minutes later) and I ran my out-of-shape heart out.

I got to my gate and the woman looked at me with that look that says, you know I should have already shut this door and made your ass find a new flight, so grovel at my feet, which I did and then ran onto the plane. I stowed my backpack and as I went to get into my seat the man in the seat behind mine started clapping and then said, VERY loudly, "so nice of you to show up. It's not like we have anywhere to be."

Oh. yes. he. did.

It was on. I ignored him, because as I understand it, airlines take beating the shit out of people on planes pretty seriously these days, but I was furious. I took some time to calm down, pour soda all over myself and enjoy the flight. About an hour in I decided to take a short nap so I leaned my seat maybe 1/3 of the way back. You would have thought I put my head in this man's naked crotch or something. Because all I heard about for the next 30 minutes was how "people need to learn about personal space on an airplane."

Eventually I decided to stop trying to sleep and put a movie on my iPod. Not long after it began I noticed that the man was kicking my chair. KICKING MY CHAIR. At first I dismissed it, thinking that perhaps he didn't realize it. And then I heard him mention to his buddy that maybe if he kicked my chair enough that I'd raise my seat back up.

I didn't.

So after another 30 minutes he decided to take the obnoxious up a notch. He decided to watch the in flight entertainment by leaning on my seat. He wrapped his arm around the top of my headrest, pulled back on it, and proceeded to watch tv like that for 40 minutes. With his arm resting ON MY HEAD the whole time.

At which point I looked at the man next to me, who by the way, did not speak a word of English and said, that I thought it was amazing how some people didn't understand personal space on an airplane. He didn't move, so I just reclined my seat further back and enjoyed the remaining hour of the flight.

And perhaps I flipped him off when we deplaned. Because I'm mature like that.

But, I did not kill him, and for that, I need you to be really proud of me. I think I might need a cookie.


Anonymous said...

Dang, I am impressed with your restraint.

While on a flight with my mom this weekend, the man sitting next to her looked at me, and then asked HER, "How old is your daughter?" Um, I can answer for myself thanks. And it's none of your business! I was tempted to ask him how old he was, but decided ignoring him was the best tactic. Grrrr.

Oh, air travel. Always full of drama.

Anonymous said...

wait! you're chair actually reclined enough to invade someone else's personal space. i didn't think that was possible!

Flea said...

You need an entire chocolate cake for not killing that man.

Leigh C. said...

I think the man needs a good chunk of personal space. He'll find it in a window seat..on the wing of the plane...OUTSIDE of the pressurized cabin.


Lipstick Jungle said...

You are good. I would have gone postal, nu-cle-ar and post-uclear on him!

I makes me want to find him and swing my really large purse at him for you!

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, I have the rage just sitting in bed reading this at 11:20pm even though you've already landed. It would've been awesome if he had an undiagnosed peanut allergy or something and he aspirated on airline nuts and died. Man, that was harsh. But really ... people like that, they meet their maker somehow, someway. You know what they say about karma....

the queen said...

No. For that you need a PONY.

The Floydster said...

I'm impressed with your restraint. I agree ~ you deserve a whole chocolate cake the size of a pony for all the crap you had to put up with. What a moron! What an asshole!

brneyedgal967 said...

What an obnoxious ass. Him. Not you. I agree with the other comments - you showed amazing restraint.

Courtney said...

all i could think about writing was "aww that sucks!"
but then i saw all those creative comments left and thought my comment would just be lame. :-)

oh well

aww that sucks!

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Screw the need CAKE!!


Daisy, Just Daisy said...

Bring on the chocolate.

Anonymous said...

And this is why I drug myself before flying. Personal space on a plane? Hello! You have more personal space in a prison shower!


Anonymous said...

Oh NO he didn't!

OMG. I don't think I could have been so civil.

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