Friday, February 8, 2008

I realize that I promised that after the MIL left I would return to the funny normal stuff, but you'll have to bear with me a little, I'm just not feeling funny at the moment.

Nothing is especially wrong. Each semester I hit this point, it seems to be the apex of stress where everything compounds in on itself and I lose my ability to see perspective and reason. I know that after this coming week things will calm down drastically, it's just that I'm coming off a week of vacation and I feel like I've run a triathalon rather than sat down and relaxed. I'm tired, I'm stressed and I feel like I'm searching for the very happiness I held in my hands less than two weeks ago.

I just feel as though I'm failing at my life.

My job is like a joke to me now. I don't really care and it's not fair to my students. Don't misunderstand me, it's not that I'm not teaching or not working, I'm just doing the bare minimum. I want to give them all I can, but I've divided myself among so many things that if I can get by with not doing over-the-top activities, I will. They deserve better and I wish I could (or could want to) give them that.

My night classes are moving at speeds that I can't keep up with and I feel like perhaps I should've taken a semester off after the surgery. I have two exams this week and I am overwhelmed with the sheer volume of information I'm expected to know and I'm searching, fruitlessly, for the time in which I'm going to prepare for these exams. I spent all of today preparing for my Anatomy exam and while I now have 39 pages of typed information, I'm not sure I could tell you a single fact about the circulatory system, which is a problem. I also have a physics test on Thursday and to be perfectly honest, aside from "physics" I'm not sure what the test is on.

I feel this pressure knowing that these classes, especially Anatomy and Physiology, are essential for getting into the programs I want to get into. I need to do well and if my lab quizzes are any indications, I'm failing.

I've alienated the one person on my team right now, which makes all of it more difficult. I'm not crabby which is what he thinks, though I can understand his misunderstanding because I'm not Suzy Sunshine either. I really don't know what I am besides overwhelmed. I really believed that his mother leaving would signal a rush of thanksgiving and happiness and all it did was remind me how little time I have left to do a trillion different things.

I've also realized that our wedding is in 4 months and it's not planned and I can't seem to find a spare nanosecond to do the simple tasks I need to be doing, like addressing the last batch of Save the Date cards, or picking our clergy. It just seems to be an ever-growing task (one that I enjoy, don't get me wrong), and time seems to be ever-shrinking. I feel like I'm letting everyone down on this one because when things don't go the way they're supposed to, or when I forget to do x, y and z, it's going to be on me and that reality is going to suck.

I feel like I've crossed some great chasm into adulthood and suddenly these obligations are falling onto my lap with new velocity and the stakes are higher than ever. If I don't succeed my whole future morphs into something completely different. If I don't do well in these classes, I won't get into any PT program, it's a fact. If I don't do my job properly, I'm harming the futures of one hundred and ten kids who I'm supposed to be helping. If I fuck up my own wedding that's always going to be a memory I can't erase. If I push my Fiance away I'll be lost.

There are just all these things, all at once, bearing down on me and I can't seem to juggle even one of them at a time, I can't imagine how to deal with all of them. I feel like quitting everything and spending the rest of my life lying in bed. Today I don't know who I am, and all I seem to know is who I don't want to be, and that's an awfully difficult way to live a life.

I know that things will work out the way they're supposed to, though that's a relative idea. And I know that I'm exaggerating, because my life isn't that bad, but today feels bad, it just feels wrong from top to bottom. Today feels out of control. Today feels like the end of a fraying rope. Today feels like I'm coming undone.

And I want so very badly to be put back together.


~~Silk said...

1. Students - remember that exactly enough is exactly enough. The extra may get you mention when the kid eventually wins an Oscar or Nobel Prize, and exactly enough may not, but exactly enough is exactly enough to ensure success.

2. Same with studying for your courses.

3. Print off this post and give it to the fiance. If he doesn't hug you, kick him to the curb.

4. Some Saturday in the next few weeks, invite two friends to lunch, then take them to a judge's office to witness, and elope. In four months you can have a barbeque reception for friends and family. Anyone who loves you will forgive you, and anyone who wouldn't forgive you, why would you want to throw a wedding for them anyway?

the queen said...

Ditch your classes. I mean, get an incomplete and eat the cost. Graduate later. You can't learn when stressed anyway, and then anatomy will be easier next time.

brneyedgal967 said...

Anyone would be overwhelmed with a plate as large as yours is currently.
I have faith you'll find your way through the muck.

You're so smart and talented. What silk said, have fiance give you a hug, then eat a gallon of ice cream while watching chick feel good movies and pick yourself back up when you're ready.

Lanny said...

I'm exhausted just reading what you've got going on, and I'm not the one doing it! Cut yourself some slack. You don't have to give 110 percent 100% of the time.

Big hugs to you! I second the big bowl of ice cream. And a drink. Or five.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the Queen--ditch your classes this semester. And Lanny--I am exhausted reading all you need to do!

Save your relationship with The Fiance. Then worry about your students (your current job). Then school--graduating a semester later than you plan is nothing.

Stress is very powerful!!! Give yourself a rest!

~*~Snappz~*~ said...

Sometimes, you just need to get it all out :-)

I hope I don't sound to cliches, but trust me, everyone has days like that. Throw yourself a pity party, let yourself feel bad/down, and tomorrow you'll probably wake up feeling better :-)