She's gone

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

She checked into a hotel today. Her excuse was needing to be "pampered for a few days" but I'm pretty sure we can all agree that that excuse is a big pile of bull shit. She wanted, so very much, for us to grovel and apologize and ask her to stay here, and frankly, I didn't and still don't give a crap. I did not grovel, in fact, I did not say a single syllable to her regarding this decision. The only words I've spoken to her since the dinner debacle last night were, "the shower's free" and I'm perfectly content with leaving it that way.

I do, however, feel horrible for The Fiance. He's caught in a no-win situation where he has to mediate, go back and forth, drive her and listen to what I'm sure will be several pleasant conversations about how awful of a host I've been. It's really not fair to him and if I could fix it, I would. Hell, if I knew what I'd done wrong, I'd even possibly apologize, but I don't know, and I'm pretty sure that there's no point in asking at this point.

It just makes me sad. In 4 months this woman is going to be my mother-in-law and it's just really sad that she can't be happy that her son is happy and that she can't try for a few days to be compassionate towards anyone else. I want so very much to be able to make this go away so that The Fiance isn't burdened with it, and yet I can't, and if anything, my presence and actions make it worse. It's just not right, and there's really not any way to rectify it.

And I gave up sweets for lent, and all I want right now is a freaking piece of chocolate.


Ness said...

Wow, Katie...what is it they say? You can choose your friends but not your relatives or inlaws? Don't back down. She has the problem, not you.

And I gave up Hershey's Kisses for Lent. When my son gets here this weekend, it will be interesting...he gave up coffee and loves Hershey's Kisses and I love my coffee. Maybe we can make a deal...I can drink my coffee and he can eat the bowl of Hershey's Kisses on the end table. Take care. Ness

kim-d said...

Hey, Katie. This whole comment is going to be 100% serious because right now I feel very bad for YOU. I need to ask a question of you so maybe you can help me understand something. This is not a judgment or anything; I really want to know. Does The Fiance NOT see what she does, the things she says to you, the way she treats you? Does he NOT notice this? If he does notice and see it, how on earth can that be alright with him? I know she's his Mother, and we all love our Moms, even when they're being less than lovable, so I get it as far as that's concerned. I know how much you and The Fiance love each other and, as you said, the wedding is coming up really fast here, and you two will be starting your lives together FOREVER. No matter how much he loves his Mom, you are going to be his wife, his life's partner. That's the REST OF YOUR LIVES. I don't see how it could be okay with him for his Mom to be nasty and ornery to you, the person he's spending is life with. I just don't get it. Here's the way I'm seeing it: 1) She asked you to cook dinner for HER, 2) She told you what to cook for dinner for HER, 3) She criticized they way you were cooking the dinner for HER, 4) She criticized the amount you cooked for HER, 5) She did not eat what she asked you to cook for HER, 6) Added more insults on top on insults. Really, what's to be in the middle about? Wrong is wrong, even when it's your Mother.

This is just me, but I really want to tell you this. Here again--me, not you. So please don't take it the wrong way, okay? Before Bill met my parents, he was a little worried they wouldn't like him, and asked me "what if they don't like me." Well, the answer to that was that, of course they would like him, they already did, because he did what no one else would do--put up with me (okay, joking here...sorta??!? HA!). But the real answer was that if they didn't like him, they would need to keep that a well-kept secret from me or I would maybe miss them a little. Love me, love my spouse. And likewise, I would have had a word or two for Bill if he would have been outwardly rude to my parents without provocation. My reason for telling you this is that it sounds like you're blaming yourself? Now, I know I wasn't there, but from the info I have now, I just don't think you have anything to blame yourself for, nor do I think The Fiance has anything to blame you for. Maybe he is a little embarrassed at the way his Mom acts? Could that be it? I just do not understand what her problem is, and why she has to be so nasty towards you. And why nobody feels compelled to put her in her place. I mean, really, does everybody just bow down to her, bad behavior and all? I'm really curious, Katie, ya gotta tell me! Well, you don't gotta...but, you know :)!

Honestly, I'm glad she's gone. Seeyabye. I'm just sorry there has to be tension and stress even when she's no longer there! Man, THAT'S toxic. And I hope Fiance gets this???

Take care, girl...

brneyedgal967 said...

I have a degree in Dr. Phil-isms. And I think this is what he'd say.

"Fiance needs to set boundaries with Mom and tell her that when she is at his house, she HAS to be respectful and courteous to both him and you. If she's not, she won't be allowed to visit. Period. And if she wants to be a part of his life and the lives of his future grandchildren then she has got to be respectful to his wife. She doesn't have to like her, but she has to be nice. And flat out tell her that he won't tolerate catty remarks, mean-spirited manipulation or sabotage. He's got to lay down the law with his mother now or this behavior could continue and believe me, it will create a problem in your marriage."

I agree with what I just said posing as Dr. Phil. *grin* Fiance needs to step up to the plate right now. It won't be easy, but give him the support and strength he needs to straighten his spine and be firm with her.

Good luck. Tough situation, no doubt. It's definitely not YOU. It's HER.

Yeah - and what kim-d said.

brneyedgal967 said...


Yes, you've been tagged. An incredibly fast and simple one. Details are on my blog.


Anonymous said...

Well the good news is that, for whatever reason, she's no longer in your house. I have no advice on the situation, though, so I'll leave that to everyone else.

Flea said...

Fiance' has grown up with this woman and either knows how to deal with her or not. Either way, she's HIS mother, not yours. You are the DAUGHTER-IN-LAW. Hold on to that. It will come in handy in the future. Having married into a family with a MIL like this, my best advice is to never forget who YOU are, never to try fixing either your MIL or your sweetie, and always be ready and willing to walk away from a situation in which you're uncomfortable.

And I'm sure advice is probably the last thing you want right now. Sorry. I've just been married to that MIL for 16 years and was finally fortunate enough that my husband saw it and we moved AWAY.