Having one of those days.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Sigh. Today has not been a great day. And I know part of it has to do with how little sleep I got last night, but there are many things going awry right now and I'm feeling upset and unhappy about most of it.

I am working at the same camp I've worked at for the past 3 summers and I love it there. I've lived in a different location each summer and it's always a challenge to find affordable housing here. So this summer I've spent the first 2 weeks living at The Fiance's house and my plan was then to move into my friend's house for the last 4 weeks. I ended up needing to stay at The Future In-Laws a little longer to watch their cat, but now this week, I'm facing this move. And now it's like all of a sudden, all the problems that I had ignored for the past couple of weeks are sprouting up.

First, I don't have a room at my friend's place. I have a couch, in a very small and cluttered living room. I'm not a tidy person, but this room stresses me out. Also, both of the people who live in this apartment work other jobs besides camp, and they don't get home until between 9 and 11. Which isn't late, unless you realize how long the days at camp are. I'm usually asleep by 10 and having people tromp through the room I'm sleeping in is not going to be cool. Not to mention that the place isn't terribly safe and maybe I'm too old to be scared staying alone at night, but I'm not familiar with the area and it just doesn't rest well with me. And then there's the fact that I'm in the room with the only tv, which is what my friend has said is her favorite thing to do, well, besides exercise, and all the exercise stuff is also in the living room. I also like to get to work early. I do a bunch of things in the morning before work and these two girls are not early people, which will stress me out further. And reading this, I know these are really trivial things, but I just feel beside myself with anxiety.

I just feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. Like I do not know what to do because I'm feeling so awkwarded out by the situation. I really like this girl, but I feel like living with her will destroy our friendship. I also feel like it will destroy my sanity. One of the things I cherish the most is personal space and personal time and I just simply wouldn't have any there. But the other side is that I turned down the offer to stay at The Future In-Law's house for the rest of the summer, so now I look like an indecisive freakazoid because I'm changing my mind and imposing myself on them for like the 12th time in the last 2 weeks.

I feel like everyone thinks that I'm crazy, and like perhaps they're right. And so many people are irritated or annoyed by my decision and my freaking out over this, I just feel stupid and embarrassed. I don't know what to do, or what to say, but I feel hopelessly awkward and confused. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I wish I could be self-assured or that I could not feel awkward around other people, but I do, and I always have and that's why I need that space so much. I need a place where I can sort out all those feelings swirling in my head, and the couch in a thumbnail sized apartment is just not okay.

So the short version is, I freaked out and now everyone is either a) upset with me; b) annoyed with me; or c) thinks I'm crazy. And I'm pretty sure my feelings about myself extend to all 3 categories.


kim-d said...

Really, I do not understand why anyone would be annoyed or upset with you, or think you're crazy, indecisive, a freakazoid or anything else. Upon examining the living situation a little further after having actually started back to work at camp, you've realized your schedule doesn't sync up with the schedules of the other two roommates-to-be. What's wrong with that? In my opinion, it's more responsible to come to this realization now, before you've moved in. It seems to me that there just really is not anything for anybody to be upset about, or am I completely missing something? If The Mr's parents already offered to have you stay with them the whole summer, I am absolutely sure they would not mind you taking them up on their offer, belatedly--especially if it has worked out okay thus far. Besides, it is okay for you NOT to do something you know is wrong for you, and if other people are going to get upset, then they're the ones not looking at the situation rationally. Why on earth would anyone go ahead and do something they KNOW isn't going to work out! I realize it may be easy for me to sit back and say this to you, but do you think that maybe if you don't feel bad and guilty and stressed out, the other people involved will be more relaxed about it? Bottom line...DO NOT DO SOMETHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG FOR YOU. It doesn't ever turn out good. The rest will work itself out. As usual, don't know how helpful I am, but I certainly did have an opinion, huh? I know, shocking...HAHAHA!