An open note to the residents/visitors of "The Valley"

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Dear "Valley" dwellers,

There must be something in the water today because general incompetence was abundant in your area. You may question my state of mind and assume that I was grumpy before I encountered you, but I assure you, I was not. I had a lovely meeting with a florist about wedding flowers and I opened a joint checking account with The Fiance. Today was a good day, only slightly marred by the ridiculous people who insist upon forcing themselves into my life. So let me offer a few gentle suggestions.

1. There are rules of etiquette in bowling. Yes, it is a fun relaxed environment, but I cannot bowl when you stop to make out with your girlfriend IN MY BOWLING LANE. And yes, it was cute that you thought you could teach your girlfriend to bowl, but truly (and for the record, I'm not a good bowler, I don't pretend to be), my pinky toe would be a better teacher. Bowling is not meant to be a race to the line with an awkwardly thrown ball at the end. And I actually didn't want to see your ass sagging out if your pants, just in case you wondered.

2. If your child is throwing a fit every time he misses the pins in bowling, the answer is not to feed him more sugar. Your child is probably in severe diabetic shock by now and perhaps that, among a few other reasons, is why your 10 year old can't keep it together through a frame of bowling. I'm going to hazard a guess that bowling with a jawbreaker in one's mouth is also probably not ranked high on the safe-decisions list.

3. It does not matter if you are 18 years old or 80, driving 15 miles per hour in a 35 mile per hour zone is not acceptable. It's just not. And the same goes for driving slowly in the carpool lane. It just isn't done. I know you're used to traffic, but you need not cause it.

4. Putting your emergency flashing lights on doesn't make it okay for you to park in the right lane of traffic on Ventura Blvd. That's what parking lots and meters were made for, stop being lazy.

So in closing, valley dwellers (I suppose I shouldn't group you all together like this, I'm sure many of you are competent, kind, and perhaps normal people, so I'm speaking specifically to the moron who bowled next to me and the 14 different cars I almost ran into on my drive home), you really need to get it together. Figure out where you placed your manners and work on this new concept of a speed limit, not a speed inhibitor.