Green eyed bitch

Monday, July 6, 2009

I've spoken briefly in the past about my sisters. I have one biological older (perfect) sister, 3 step-sisters who range in age between 24 and 28 and one half-sister who is a(n angstful) teenager now in college. We're all exceedingly different and pretty damned independent.

My older (perfect) sister is brilliant. She, almost literally, has brains coming out her ears. She went to the same school (and program) I am starting in August, got perfect grades, scholarships every year and is now an adjunct faculty member. It's important to keep in mind that this is the best program in the country. She got one of two internships they offer in the whole school and the job of her choice. She's, as the parentheses indicate, perfect. And always has been.

My younger (angstful) sister is an athlete. She's smart, but she is in college on a full scholarship for swimming. After one year she has half the school records and placed in the top 10 in the western conference (division 1). She's less than half a second off olympic trial cut times. She works hard, but she's just so naturally athletically inclined it's gross. In a good way.

I, on the other hand, am intelligent, not brilliant. I'm a fair athlete in some sports, but in general suffer from a severe lack of coordination. I got some academic scholarships, but in the end, did not graduate from college with any honors, awards or recognition. I'm not trying to demean myself, but I'm not in a league academically with my older (perfect) sister, nor athletically with my younger (angstful) sister.

What I have had is baking. When I started college, I began to have a love of food (which is ironic since it's also when I stopped eating for a year, but whatever). I began to cook and especially bake, every chance I got. I won a ridiculous number of pie and cake baking contests and I was officially given the job of providing dessert for every family gathering. It was my thing. It is my thing and I love it.

My younger (angstful) sister has recently decided that what she wants to do is become a baker. She wants to get a degree in business and then go to culinary school. She wants to run a bakery. She wants to do the one thing I'd do if I had all the money in the world. She wants to steal my cake, and eat it too.

Rationally I know her decision has little to do with me and considering that she's 19 and changes her mind about everything every 15 seconds there's a good chance it won't happen, but I am a little HUGE bit jealous that she's going to do this. That she's going to be bringing the desserts for family gatherings. That people will wonder what she'll be bringing next time and make requests for her baked goods.

I want to be bigger than this. Bigger than these feelings and just be happy for her. But this wave of jealousy has crashed over my head and I'm drowning in it. I want my talent back and I want it all to myself.

In case you were keeping score, that's jealousy AND selfishness.


moosh in indy. said...

Whatever, if my sister learned how to cook? I'd cut her in her sleep.
It's all I have.
Well, and if she started a blog.
Your feelings? Justified.
And yes. It does blow.

Flea said...

I'm with Moosh. Except I don't like to cook. And I'm secretly happy my Evil Sister (who's a certified genius) doesn't have her own blog.

BTW? You are brilliant.

Anonymous said...

My oldest sister was really smart, too. She did research on all sorts of things...
Here praying as always!
Psalms 18:28-30 For thou wilt light my candle: the LORD my God will enlighten my darkness. For by thee I have run through a troop; and by my God have I leaped over a wall. As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him.
Prayer Bears
My email address

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. With a set of 3 sisters, I think that feeling like this every so often is completely natural.

I think I kinda 'stole' my sister's thing when I started blogging, and I feel bad about it. But then again, I love it, and she was the one who suggested I start one in the first place (I think)...

Anyway, as you said, she'll probably change her mind. But if not, you'll get used to it eventually!

PS - I'm sure there's more that's 'yours' as well - if you talk to your sisters, I'll bet they have different perceptions on the matter!

Daisy, Just Daisy said...

I'm supposedly the older, "perfect" sibling and it sucks for us too. Siblings are supposed to compete and get jealous and you shouldn't feel guilty for feeling jealous.

Sue G said...

Jealousy. Selfishness. And, um, Retreat?

Who says she will be as good a baker as you, let alone better?

Who says that she will be the one asked to bring the desserts to family functions?

Who says that she will be the one to shine so brightly that it will shadow your talents and your gifts?

Um, that would be YOU who says those things. Without even giving it a try, you are giving up, giving in.

Maybe if she is at least as good as you as a baker, the two of you could open that bakery together. Maybe she couldn't do it without your intelligence and your sense of organization, let alone your inner voice that lets you know what the customer wants.

Maybe you should zoom out for a minute and see the bigger picture here and determine the potential and opportunity within.

Okay, so the Jewish mother/protective lion has reared its ugly head in my comments. But this is how I talk to my friends when they short change themselves and don't support their hearts' desires.

It's done out of intense caring (with just a hint of JAP superiority that I don't seem to be able to rid myself of).

Deal with it. Please.

Becs said...

Even though I have no sisters and only half-brothers, I know the dealing with brilliance feeling from my oh so superior cousin. I sympathize.

I think it's only natural to have that 'you're stealing my gig' feeling with your little sister.

I say keep on baking, no matter what the little whippersnapper does.

Ginger said...

Katie, your cookie bars this morning were DELICIOUS. I had to look away from them after I chose the biggest one in the box for myself this morning, so that I wouldn't eat the rest. I don't think my boyfriend did the same.