Stop. It's the Fashion Police.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I just started the new job and therefore have had reason to interact with many young people. And dude, we have a fashion crisis on our hands. And I mean CRISIS.

Let me spell it out for you.

1. If your shorts are so short that they don't even have an in-seam, you shouldn't be wearing them. End of story. Those are not shorts, they're bloomers. They're beaver covers and that's it. They are not shorts and should not be worn in public. Period.

2. The '80s called. Even they don't want your LEGGINGS back. I'm sorry, but it's a stretch that they're socially acceptable with a dress or a hideous long shirt, but just with regular t-shirts? No no no. They're not flattering and while they may be comfortable, there are like 800,000 more types of pants that are equally comfortable and don't look like shit. Also, if you insist upon wearing these abominations, you may not tuck them into your shoes. Ever.

3. Tattoos. Look, I have two of them. And my feelings on them in general aside, how did you not think that getting one on your HAND was going to be a problem? Seriously. Who is going to hire you for a serious job when you are covered in tattoos? I get that they're a personal decision, but don't complain that you don't know how/why you have to cover them for work. It's not like ink spill on your hand, you chose them and now you must live with them.

4. The Femullet. The feminized glorified mullet. It's not okay. If, when you pull your hair into a pony tail the front looks exactly the same as when it's down, it's a mullet. Your layers shouldn't be 8 inches different in length unless your hair is at least 28 inches long.

5. No one will ever know that you're wearing shorts that are a size 10 instead of a size 8, so seriously, opt for the ones that don't make your stomach look like a mushroom cap. It's not cute.

6. I don't want to see your boobs. No one does. Not through the shirt, not over the shirt, not beneath the shirt. We just don't. Wear a bra, buy a shirt that's not see through and keep them contained. I don't need to be slapped in the face with someone else's boobs. Not that I'll ever be slapped in the face with my own, but I don't want yours either.

7. Hair should only be like 2 colors, or if possible, 1. But none of those colors should be blue, pink, purple or so blond that even the toe headed kid in the corner needs sunglasses to look at it. Seriously, we all know that's fake.

I think that's it. Though it's worth mentioning that you especially shouldn't commit any of the above mentioned sins on a kid. Because it's like 800 times worse. They are too young and impressionable to be drowned in horrible fashion.

There. I feel better. Crotchety as all hell, but better. Just buy a mirror kids, that'll be a bigger help than any long list of fashion errors anyone could come up with. If you wonder if you look like crap, assume you do. And if you wonder if you shouldn't buy a certain outfit, you shouldn't. When in doubt, assume no.

Your friends and credit cards will thank you. So will my eyes. And that's seriously worth something.


Wonderful World of Weiners said...

I've heard of the muffin top and the whoopie pie but mushroom cap is new to me!! :)


Anonymous said...

Oh how I agree, we have cafe close that I swear the waitresses need to wear two hair nets, it is disgusting! I have been there once saw the servers, will not go back.

Jess said...

My sixteen year old cousin dresses like that, and it irritates the HELL out of me! To top it off, she's like the rest of our family (heavy), but she wears the most ridiculous small clothes and skinny jeans ever. She's a supposed vegan, but all that means is that she eats french fries at fast food places instead of a burger or something. Ugh.

She also has the most insane piercings that I've ever heard of. The latest is that little bit of flesh inside your mouth that connects to the back of your upper lip and your top gums. >_<

So yeah, I agree. Totally. Witness it first hand everytime I go back to California, and as the kids say, "DO NOT WANT."

Becs said...

I HATE LEGGINGS. That is all I have to say today.

Sue G said...

Having worked in a high school for 17 years, there is really nothing that can shock me anymore. I will never forget walking through the library one day to find a girl leaning on a table, asleep. She was wearing hip hugging jeans and a thong. Interesting combination, especially when you are bent forward over a table. Nice cheeks, sweet stuff. I approached her friend (awake) at the same table, invited her to take a look, and asked her if she wanted to be the one to wake her or should I. She opted for the job. Phew.

Flea said...


kimybeee said...

Okay, so you never wore anything that was a fashion don't when you were young. Maybe you just need to look at some photos of yourself in your formative years to see how fashion trends can make you look totally dorky to others around you.

As for the tattoos, I totally agree with you on that one. And don't get me started on piercings. I don't want my food served to me by people that would leak like a sprinkler if you put a water hose in their mouth. When is enough gonna be enough?


p.s. What ever happened to the brain worm? That was one of the coolest things ever!!!!!