The out-laws come for a visit.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Alright, I'm finally ready to share. I needed the week to not think at all about Lucifer, her husband and her other son, Satan, and their adventure in my life. My blood pressure is rising just thinking about it. But here we go anyway.

So the out-laws (Slappy's mother and father only) arrived in town on Thursday night. We met them for a nice dinner at Bayona, though it took us at least 10 minutes to park and absolutely no one was pleased with where we were, except me, because dude, I can only take so much advice before I aim my car for the closest landing space and run for my life. Dinner was blissfully uneventful and since I had work the next day, I had no parent duty until Friday night where we had a nice, and totally tolerable, dinner at Commander's Palace.

Saturday morning, we awoke at the ass crack of dawn for Tulane's graduation. The out-laws tried to convince me to drive Slappy to the Superdome early, then wait a while and pick them up, so that they wouldn't have to get up as early. Um, no. I picked them up around 8:15 and we parked and headed into the dome.

When in, I called Slappy who told me he would be sitting on the LEFT side of the stage when facing it. So I found some seats near the left side. Slappy's mother then found some she liked better. Because, of course mine were NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Anyways, ironically, Slappy was sitting on the right side of the stage, and I had to spend most of the hour and a half there hearing about how worthless it was since we weren't even near him and how much she wished she was sitting over there (guess what? You have legs, go for a walk. You won't be missed.)

After the graduation, we found Slappy and immediately headed to, and I quote, her "favorite place in New Orleans"...the Windsor Court hotel. Seriously. Of all the amazing restaurants in the city, THAT is where she wanted to eat. So that's where we went. While there, Slappy's wildly inconsiderate older brother showed up. He had been sick and wasn't eating much, but he did try to procure some alcohol anyways, because the only thing he does better than be wildly insulting is drugs and alcohol. Well, and complain. And be right all the time. He just got offered the job of a lifetime, like, the thing he's been working towards forever, and he isn't happy. But he isn't happy because he won't be near his girlfriend. The girlfriend he conveniently forgot while he was hardcore hitting on another girl who he met in the French Quarter and later had breakfast and dinner/drinks with. Nice, right?

Anyways, I left lunch early because I could. not. stand. another. minute. with his family and Slappy had to get there early. I offered to save us all seats (5 at this point) so they could come a little later. A little later was 4 minutes before the procession, nice, right? Slappy's brother slept through the entire graduation and then when it was over, hugged Slappy and went home. Slappy's parents hung out for a while and then went and changed clothes for another super nice dinner.

On Sunday we went out to lunch with Slappy's brother and then made plans for dinner with the out-laws. Slappy and I took the car to pick up his parents and his brother was to take the other car and meet us there, leaving a few minutes after us. After sitting at the restaurant for 15 minutes waiting, we called Slappy's brother who informed us that they decided to take the Streetcar instead, despite it being WAY slower and them having left not 5 minutes after us, but 15. And he thew in a nice condescending, "I hope you don't all starve to death" when we complained at his choice. Nice, right?

This dinner was the one that just about made my head explode. First, Slappy's mother decreed that the whole world should be on the same time zone. But not in any logical fashion. She believed that the United States should stay on the schedule of being awake during the light hours and asleep during the dark hours, and everyone else could just adjust to sleeping when it was light out. This was followed shortly by the inevitable discussion that everyone should just learn English because Americans are God's gift to the universe. My head explodes at the egocentrism displayed by this woman. Truly.

Eventually, the conversation shifted to childbirth where, she decided to entertain us with the story of Slappy's brother's birth, which happened at home. The apex of the conversation occurred when she described her mother-in-law's reaction to walking in on my mother-in-law, on all fours, with Slappy's brother's head out. Go ahead, try to delete that mental image. Now try to do it while EATING.

And then the conversation shifted yet again. This time, Slappy's mother decided to mention that she didn't think I would ever give birth. She went so far as to say that I would hand a knife to someone to have the baby cut out before I'd undergo the pain of childbirth.


Dude. I had brain surgery with less than 24 hours of narcotics. I had boob surgery with NO narcotics. I had my tonsils taken out, at age 20, with no narcotics. I don't doubt that childbirth is wildly painful, but I'm pretty sure I'd survive. Unfortunately, I probably can't ever do it, because sneezing makes the back of my head nearly explode, I can't imagine that trying to squeeze a bowling ball out of my cooter will feel better. But that's SO not the point. I could do it. I could if I needed to. And I will if I can. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

When Monday rolled around, I woke up feeling refreshed. Slappy's brother and parents were scheduled to leave (the former in the car, the latter by plane) and soon we'd have our house back. I probably failed to mention that Slappy's brother stayed in our house. With a friend. Without asking. For several nights. Nice, right?

When I came home from work, we got ready to go out to lunch, as we had planned at dinner the night before. Of course, Slappy's brother denied being invited to said lunch, and had made plans with the girl he'd picked up in the French Quarter. So we went with just his parents. After lunch we came home, and I got ready to go to my school's graduation, only to hear Slappy's brother mention, that, oh yea, they're going to stay another night. Of course, the next day was my birthday and all I really wanted was my house and sanity back. But no.

And not only that, but they wanted to have alligator for dinner, so they asked if we would mind going to Jacques-Imo's Monday night, even though Slappy and I were going there for my birthday then next day.

Yes. Yes we would mother freaking mind.

Eventually, I fell into a deep, dark funk, we went to dinner somewhere else with Slappy's brother, went to a casino (where Slappy won $350, the bastard, and I won -$40) and I came home and crashed hard and early while Slappy stayed out with his brother (who stopped on the way home at the girl's house to get pot. Classy!).

The next day, I had work, Slappy somehow convinced his brother to leave (and defended me at a breakfast where his brother was trying to tell Slappy that I needed to change my perspective on science, because, you know, proteins and carbohydrates are totally perspective important issues...ugh) and by the time I got home from work, he was gone.

And all was right with the world again.

As the move gets closer and closer, I get more and more excited, but also more and more aware that, instead of 5 hours by plane, we're now 45 minutes by car. We' ambushable.

Hold me.


Ashley said...

45 minutes by car wont be all that bad... yeah you'll probably see them more often... BUT 45 minutes by car also means that you will get to go home... ALONE at the end of the day :)

stacey said...

oh are going to be kinda screwed when you move home!! I guess with the good, comes the bad....
random sidenote, I totally thought of you last night, was watching something about ghost hunting (yes I said ghost hunting) and they said some people when a spirit is by them get massive headaches and other pains....then I started thinking maybe that is what is going on with you! you live in a haunted house? Yes I was half awake when I thought of this, but hey if you move and your headaches could be that. ;) hahaha

Jess said...

You win. You totally win. I thought my in-laws were hell on Earth, but yours just take the fucking cake. Mine ignore me most of the time, and only talk shit about me in Chinese, so I don't have to hear (understand) it. And they at least put up a pretense of tolerating me.

By some weird twist of fate, I also can't stand my brother-in-law. He's not anything like yours, but he's a smug superior bastard, who thinks that it is okay to belittle my husband because he doesn't have a job and is finishing school. Yeah, Mr. Brother-In-Law, you make work for that fancy company and rake in the dough, but you're still a drunken and immature asshole.

Luckily, we live 2000 miles away from them (they also live in California), and they rarely travel this way, so I'm good right now.

I'm sorry that you had to deal with all of that. What a pain in the damned ass.

the queen said...

They sound like hell. Of course, 45 minutes will be too long for them to drive, but you can dart right over there if there's something they need. This is not good.

Sue G said...

On behalf of Jewish mothers everywhere, I apologize. I know what we're capable of, but this exceeded my expectations by a mile. I would think that the occasion for the visit being Slappy's graduation from medical school would be enough to sedate her into a sense of gleeful accomplishment (my son the doctor--every Jewish mother's dream) and, thus, take the focus away from controlling you and your weekend and your life. Man, I was wrong.

Flea said...


My in-laws sat on the opposite side of the auditorium at my Hunny's grad school graduation, instructing his siblings not to go near me. The two I like sat with me. I was grateful she did not. My kids didn't know what to do with it.

If you have kids, don't let them too close. Ever.

varangianguard said...

Calling people jerks is - wait for it - offensive.

Glad you aren't offensive. No, really.

Just walk on the eggshells.

I was trying to make a point, that obviously, was lost on you. Maybe, if you really wouldn't like to be offensive, you'd just refrain from commenting on things you know zip doodle about, eh?

Overflowing Brain said...


I called you a jerk because you were being one.

Offensive? Probably. Warranted? Absolutely. You had no reason to insult someone else's religion. Did Casey insult yours? Because that post seemed pretty benign to me. But for whatever reason, you needed to be rude, and I'm sorry, but that makes you a jerk in my book. I invite you to permanently ignore me. Trust me, I won't be offended.

I hope you learn to open your mind at some point. Maybe then you'll see all that you're missing.

ssb said...

Wait, did some asshat come to your blog from some other blog to be snotty at you over a comment you left in the third party's completely unrelated blog? Seriously? That's... funny, in a pathetic sort of way.

Oh, and you definitely won the MIL lottery, m'dear. To think I stress when mine gets upset that I won't call her "Mom".

Overflowing Brain said...


Yep. Isn't that special?