Innocence Lost

Saturday, May 30, 2009

I'm taking a break from the packing hell I currently reside in to cool off, calm my steroid ravaged stomach (I swear, the treatments are SO much worse than the ailments at this point) and rest before I begin cleaning our disgusting dust covered room. If I never EVER move again, I'll be happy. Or, how about, if I never condense from a 3 bedroom 2 1/2 bathroom house to a 1 bedroom 1 bathroom apartment, I'll be happy.

Anyways, I'm finding this moving experience so much different than the last several I've undertaken. I was always haphazard with packing. You know, you leave the van open when you walk to and from your house. You might stop and have a conversation with someone without actually locking the door to the Penske truck.

Not anymore.

After last summer on my honeymoon and the day after Christmas I have lost so much faith in other people. I'm afraid to leave our moving van door ajar for even a moment to go grab another box. Where is there a better place to steal something than a moving van? I no longer feel okay even leaving my front door open between trips because there's just too great of a chance that someone will wander in and find all our things, so nicely packed for the taking.

My innocence, my faith in the goodness of other people, is lost.

I hate feeling this way. I hate watching every person on the street, weary of their motives. I hate knowing that on our 5 day cross country trip, each night I'm going to sleep with my ear to the wall, waiting for someone to find someway into the van. Waiting for someone to take it all over again.

Waiting for it, because I just don't believe that we'll possibly make it to California without a bought of theft.

What a sad reality this is. Knowing that people think that it's not just okay, but fun and great to steal from other people shatters my understanding of humanity. Knowing that most of the time these people are successful and not caught is disheartening.

I want, so badly, to trust people again. To have an open heart and an open mind towards those I don't know. But in this past year, so few people have given me a reason to.

My innocence has been lost, I'm searching for my trust and love of others. Maybe it's waiting for me in California.


Sue G said...

Perhaps it isn't lost. Perhaps it has just been replaced with caution. Pragmatism. Proaction.

I'm so excited for you that you are going home. Starting a new phase in your life...hopefully one that includes more health, more joy, and more love.

(Sounds like a song from Smokey Robinson and the Miracles.)

Safe travel. New adventures. And a sense of belonging. My prayer for you and Slappy, M. D.

Becs said...

This loss of faith in people hit me when I moved from Virginia to a ghetto in New Jersey. People tried to get into my apt because it was next to a tavern. My landlord came into my apt when I wasn't here and stole my clothes. One day at lunch, three guys followed me into a parking lot. I was overjoyed to leave. Um. But here I am again.

Safe journey to you and Dr. Slappy.