Wednesday, May 27, 2009

So, recently the out-laws moved Slappy's grandmother (who has severe Alzheimers) from her home in Florida to a facility (a very nice one) in Southern California near their home. In doing so, they had to sell her house and pack everything in it.

Now, a logical approach to this would involve a moving van or even a moving company. But, let's remember who we're talking about.

The out-laws decided to rent an SUV (note here also that Slappy's new car is his grandmother's, which also had to be picked up in Florida, so the car rental? mind boggling) and drive the stuff, not to California, but to our house.

So that we can move it.

At no cost to them.

And it wasn't like just a few boxes. It was like 1/3 of our spacious dining room filled with CRAP. Things that Slappy's mother called and asked us if we wanted, and even after we said no, somehow they ended up in our dining room anyways. Because no only means no when she says it.

Anyway, among the "gifts" she's giving us, is an antique planter. She prefaced our first viewing of the planter with a warning that it's kind of "different" but with a plant in it, it looked quite nice.

Um. No.

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This "planter" is easily 2.5 feet tall. Seriously. It's huge.

And a little inappropriate. Like, this lady, totally groping the other one.

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Or this naked kid eating grapes.

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I so want to have that in my house to explain the nakedness to my kids. "Oh, don't worry honey, it's antique, that makes it totally okay. And totally not the world's LARGEST eye sore."

But even better, it also breaks into two parts. I believe that one is an obvious choice for a port-o-let, and the other, a chess pawn. Whatcha think?

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But wait, there's more.

Before the stuff was packed, Slappy's mom called and asked if we had a mop (we do). She said that she was going to send us the "stick" anyway, because it is the greatest cleaning tool ever. We inquired and she explained that you just wrap a towel around the stick and clean the floors. You know, like a, oh, what's the word? Right, a MOP.

Behold, the stick of glory.

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We spent a good 20 minutes coming up with alternative uses of the stick. So far we've got hockey stick, hammer, mallet, door knocker, and many many others. After all the suggestions, a miffed mother-in-law said, "you should really keep it. You can't just get another one of those."

No, probably not. But give me ten minutes in a forest with a hammer, and I'm certain I could make one.

Nevertheless, we have to bring the hideous planter and magical stick of wonder back to California. I'm just worried that the planter might fall out of the moving van somewhere in Texas.

Moving is crazy, you never know what kind of crap might spontaneously combust...


Lipstick Jungle said...

I hear its hot heading that way, so maybe spontaneously combusting isnt so out of the question... Your MIL sounds like mine. If she can find a use for a dried up cracked all to hell disintegrating rubber band she will! And she will tell everyone about it, and find one for you too!


Safe travels!

I have missed you, but hopefully getting back into the swing of things again!

Flea said...

I swear, our mother in laws are twins separated at birth. Mine has done this same thing to me. Broken? Flea needs it! Stained? Worn out? Useless? Give it to Flea! No? Not an option!

Have a big garage sale, hon. Use the money to start your new life. I'm not kidding. Totally serious. Or use it to buy a fast food meal on the way to SoCal. :)

Kaye said...

I just want you to know that you have made my day. That planter had me howling with laughter and then the whole stick/mop thing almost put me over the edge. I was having a very bad day, so thanks for that. :)

Mrs. Apron said...

1) Planter/port-o-let is probably worth a butt-load and can pay off your medical bills. Go to Antiques Roadshow and get that bitch appraised.

2) The Stick (which you just can't find anymore) is a proto-Swiffer. Wrap a towel/microfiber cloth around it? Yeah, we've got that.

Louise said...

Is it wrong that I kind of dig the "planter"? My grandma left me a set of dishes that has a similar design.

And yeah, my mom's the same as your MIL (well, in this area. Other areas, not so much. I don't know how you put up with it). They're "downsizing" - selling their house and moving to a smaller place - so she came online last night and was like "I'm giving you some of our stuff! What would you like?" "Uh, I don't know..." "I'm giving you a stapler!"

O... kay.

(PS - my computer is doing a weird thing so if this comment shows up sixteen times, please to delete!)

Anonymous said...

I think we now have the most elaborate change jar in the planter. No more storing loose change in a glass jar!

nola said...

That thing needs to "accidentally" get "lost" in the move. Oh my.

Anne T. said...

That planter has to be the ugliest thing I have ever seen, bar none!

Jess said...

I'd do what Mrs. Apron said and have that planter appraised. You never know...

The stick? I'd keep it around to shuffle your mom-in-law out the door when she's overstayed her welcome. That, or smack her upside the head with it.

terrifik said...

You have a porcelain Jardinere and Pedestal there. Possibly antique. Several hundred dollars worth perhaps. Late 1800's maybe.

Turn the Jardinere over and read everything on the bottom of it, or photograph, to see where it came from and the age.

I can come and get it if its in your way! LOL

Anonymous said...

OMG, that jardiniere and pedestal could be worth a fortune!! Agree with other posters, turn over the jardiniere and look at the bottom. If there are not identifying marks, that does not mean that it is worthless. You should send your photos to a reputable, knowledgable antique dealer. Good luck, I think you may be very surprised now how valuable ugly can be!

Overflowing Brain said...

Sadly, we are not permitted to sell the thing. We TOTALLY would've done that already because dude are we hurting for money.

terrifik said...

Perhaps some day it would make a lovely urn for the ashes of one of your relatives?

terrifik said...

Not that I would suggest you place your MIL on a pedestal!

Sue G said...

OMG. The "gift" comes with strings attached??? I shoulda known.

(P.S. Terrifik: You are too funny. Love it.)