First, I want to sincerely thank everyone who commented on Thursday's post. I will count all 30 towards my donation, even if not quite all of you made it in the time limit. Charity shouldn't have a time limit. I haven't yet decided how much I can donate (more than 1 dollar per person for sure!) without bankrupting myself. I know the size of the donation doesn't count, but I'd sure love to give them a good amount.
I have spent a great deal of my day doing work, but during one of my few breaks I checked my email and had a piece of mail from one of the graduate programs I applied to. The email essentially listed all the ways I was unqualified to be an applicant and asked me to clarify or defer my application a year.
I was able to defend all but one of my shortcomings, but right now it appears that a one-unit lab is going to prevent me from being considered for the program next year. ONE UNIT. I can't take the class because I'm already taking 4 labs (and, as of that email, another upper level biology class, crap crap crap crap) in the spring and will be at school Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights, and oddly, they don't offer the lab on a Friday or Saturday. I've looked at several different schools, and well, I'm screwed.
So basically my current greatest fear, that is, not being accepted into any programs, is appearing before my very eyes. One unit is preventing me from being considered an applicant, and I can only imagine that this is only the first time of many I will encounter this problem, since the lab is a prerequisite for virtually every program.
I have worked remarkably hard since January of 2007 to get all these classes finished in time for this application process. I've created a plan, mapped out my future and now it seems impossible.
The program I'm applying for is 3 years long and Slappy's first residency is only 2 years. It means that if his second residency is in a different location that we will have to live apart for a year. If I get rejected from all 22 programs this year, it means reapplying next year and the prospect of living apart for 2 years, or deferring the application for another year, which might require me to retake some college courses because they EXPIRE.
Furthermore, this is my last year of teaching, no matter where we live or what happens with these applications. Teaching is not something I can or will do any longer. It's simply not what I want to do with my life and I will not subject myself to something that makes me so unhappy. However, I'm not qualified to do anything else, which creates a whole new problem.
So you can see my fear. If I don't get accepted into a program, I have to re-tool and re-think a lot of things, am out a TON of money from the applications (GRE score reports are 20 dollars per program), and I have to spend another year preparing myself for my real life, which is endlessly frustrating.
I want so much to be at a point in my life where I have a job I enjoy and I can just do that job (rather than that job, going to school, filling out applications and observing for 3 hours each day after work). But it seems like that dream is just that, a dream.