Alone

Monday, November 10, 2008

So being alone is starting to take its toll on me in a few unexpected ways.

Like the fact that there's no one around to tell me to PUT THE FLAMING HOT CHEETOS DOWN, and seriously, these 5 new cheeto pounds are not my favorite. Or the fact that I don't have anyone to tell me what's happening on TV when I'm not really watching it because I'm playing on my computer. I've now watched the first 20 minutes of The Office like 3 times and still don't really get the plot line at all.

Or the night time panic attacks that have become my bedtime companion.

Friday night I wasn't feeling very well and then suddenly became overcome with tiredness. Like, couldn't keep my eyes open tired, and not really that late, either. So then suddenly I freaked out. I was convinced I'd accidentally mixed pills or that I was having a stroke. I spent about 30 minutes trying to stay awake just so that, well, I wouldn't die. I'm not sure why I thought that would help, but I did.

And low and behold I woke up Saturday morning, tired, but alive. I had a re-run Saturday night, but I managed to go to sleep any way.

Last night was the worst.

I couldn't fall asleep and then when I did, I only fell partially asleep. I could still hear the show that was playing in the background (I put a tv show on each night when I go to sleep because I don't do well with silence), I could tell that I was in bed, but I couldn't wake myself up. Suddenly I had this horrible feeling that someone was in bed with me, but at the same time, knew that Slappy was thousands of miles away. I deduced, in my sleep, that a crazy homicidal maniac or rapist was in bed with me (I am nothing but rational in my sleep, by the way).

And I FREAKED out. I couldn't wake up and began shaking uncontrollably. I couldn't stop my muscles, I bit the shit out of my tongue and was convinced the whole time that there was a crazy predator in bed with me. After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably less than a minute, the convulsing stopped, I woke up fully and found my bed to be empty (of which I was initially relieved and then horribly sad about, because seriously, have I ever needed my husband more?).

I went and looked at my chewed up tongue, rinsed my mouth out and then tried to go back to sleep. But, well, I seriously did NOT want to. I mean, really, why on earth would I want to do that again? I was torn between the desire to be asleep and the desire to not die in my sleep, because at the time, those seemed like my only choices. Again, with the rational.

Since I'm writing this now, I obviously did not die last night. I also didn't sleep much last night and now am so beyond tired I can hardly stay upright. How ironic is it that now, more exhausted than ever, I want to go to sleep less than ever?

Yea. I am OVER irony, by the way.

6 comments:

Ali said...

I don't do well with sleeping alone either. Hope you get some good sleep soon.

Colleen said...

Usually 2AM is when my body finally overtakes my mind and I fall asleep. Luckily I have the Munchkin to keep me company. He's been sleeping in Hubby's place since he left for boot camp. 7 weeks to go here. How about you?

justlori2day said...

I do similar things when Jim is gone. I hear noises that aren't there - you know, like glass breaking, doors being kicked in, and shuffling up stairs, and I see strange things like stalkers outside my room, and flashlights spots on my walls.

That is the very reason why I leave many lights on and the tv on the comedy channel (God forbid I also get nightmares from a scary movie).

One week left right??? I hope you get some sleep!

justlori2day said...

BTW, those noises I hear are usually one of the kids, the dog, or the cats. I know it, but its hard to rationalize when its dark outside!

nola said...

And I LOVE the bed to myself! All that space!!! (Not that I don't love sharing it with CS, too.....)

Hope things get better!

Becs said...

Poor you! No, really. It stinks that all of this is hitting you at once. I can't offer any suggestions, because sleeping alone and being alone in the house are wonderful things for me.

I sympathize so much about the nightmares.

Well, I can offer this, but it's lame: a warm bath, your favorite pjs, a mug of warm milk before bed. And if you keep having the freaky dreams in bed, maybe switching to the couch for a night or two.. ?