Strike out

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I'm having a hard time figuring out how to write what has happened today. Every third word that comes to mind is fuck, and that's not making for a very fluent blog. I'm just so fucking frustrated, I don't have the words to express it.

Today was the much anticipated ENT (okay, that one wasn't much anticipated at all) and neurosurgeon appointments.

The ENT once more stated that my sinuses are not the cause of my headache. He also said that although I might feel like I am dying, I have no infections in my ears, nose or throat. So even though I had a fever when I was there and my whole face feels like it's going to explode, this too shall pass, without prescriptions. Fine, I understand that, and I'm sure my body is better for not having drugs in my system. Unfortunately, the CT scan of my sinuses they were waiting for didn't show enough and he wasn't able to tell the composition of the cysts. So I'm having a new CT scan done next week. And in the meantime, I just wait.

After the ENT was the neurosurgeon. Basically my last hope for figuring out why my head has hurt for the past month.

I really do like my neurosurgeon. He looked at my MRI last week as a favor and gave me this appointment even though the MRIs didn't show that I was really a surgical patient. He's a great doctor, I like him a lot, but today just sucked. He was polite, he let us look at the MRIs and then he said that there's nothing wrong. He said that if they were going to publish MRIs of what a brain should look like after Chiari decompression surgery, that these should be them. Because my brain is apparently great.

Except it's not. Because if my brain was great, it wouldn't hurt to cough, to whistle or sneeze. Because if my brain was great, it might actually not hurt all the freaking time. It might respond to any pain medication. It might stop.

This makes 3 doctors who are saying that there's apparently no cause for my headaches. He offered no ideas, no suggestions, just that if it gets worse there are a few more tests they can run, but he doesn't expect to find anything. He said we should treat the symptoms, which was just wonderfully helpful.

If I could treat the symptoms, I wouldn't have made this appointment. I listed all the pain medications, the fact that tylenol, advil, aleve, axert, tramadol and percocet have done nothing was apparently unimportant. I'm just supposed to treat the symptoms. Please someone tell me how to treat the problem where my eyes dart from side-to-side uncontrollably. Or how to deal with the fact that frequently I feel like my feet are going to flip over my head. Or how about the fact that when my head hurts the most, my eyes dilate extremely widely and it's difficult to go outside because my pupils won't constrict. Give me that pill.

But no such pill exists. So treating the symptoms obviously isn't the answer. Not to mention that he gave me NOTHING with which to treat the symptoms.

I'm just so incredibly frustrated with all of this. In the last hour I've burst into tears about 3 separate times because MY HEAD HURTS but apparently, it doesn't. Apparently it's fine. Apparently, this is the rest of my life. Apparently my neurologist was right, there's just nothing that can be done.

I'm just not sure how I can come to terms with that reality, but as it has been made clear to me, that's what needs to be done, because apparently there's nothing else to do and I just need to move on with my life.

I just don't even know what to do anymore.

Fuck everything.

10 comments:

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Words fail me. And I'm sure no matter what I might come up with, would not really help.

I will simply pray that you find relief...somehow.

Hallie

Ness said...

Katie, I am so sorry for this latest slap upside the head. I was really hoping answers would be found.

I'm in the same place with my daughter at the moment. Nothing helps and hope is a word in our world that means the last name of a comedian named Bob. No one deserves the pain or the words basically just suck it up and move on. For every person that says this, I would like to give them a day in the life of my daughter or yours. You can't talk the talk unless you walk the walk. I know God answers prayers in 3 ways...yes, no or wait. Personally, I am getting tired of waiting and I know you are. If this pain of yours and my daughter's is a building character exercise or a lesson in patience, then I want out. Anyway, just know I understand your frustration and I'm still begging God to find relief for you.

The Floydster said...

Unfathomable. I'm so sorry you and Ness's daughter are having such an unbeliveable time right now.

the queen said...

I wish you lived in Saint Louis and could meet my peyote-eating friend with the cluster headaches.
http://www.emedicinehealth.com/cluster_headache/article_em.htm

It sounds so similar, plus theres evidently a headache doctor here who will believe you and not your xrays.

AirmanMom said...

My continued prayers for you....



~AirmanMom returning to her blog...

melissa said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I can only offer prayers. I would ask again about the eye thing...when I had that problem, it was a virus. Has anyone considered that?

Overflowing Brain said...

Melissa- which eye thing? The not constricting or the side-to-side motion?

The side-to-side (nystagmus) is something I had really frequently before the surgery. The not constricting pupils is something Slappy has mentioned before but has become frequent recently.

But no, no one has suggested a virus, interestingly enough.

nola said...

Hmmm. Acupuncture? Bee sting therapy? Crystals? Soooo sorry!

melissa said...

Sorry, should have been more clear. The side-to-side thing with the eyes. When I had it I literally could not move. If I tried to walk, I'd fall down and I felt sick to my stomach the whole time, even when I closed my eyes. I wish I could remember what virus they called it. I had a pretty rockin' fever with it, too.

therextras said...

Only trying to help, with a suggestions.

"Please someone tell me how to treat the problem where my eyes dart from side-to-side uncontrollably. Or how to deal with the fact that frequently I feel like my feet are going to flip over my head. Or how about the fact that when my head hurts the most, my eyes dilate extremely widely and it's difficult to go outside because my pupils won't constrict."

These things should not be happening - not to mention the pain.

Since the neurosurgeon was your surgeon, well, perhaps he does not have an entirely objective view of you.

I don't know who the 3rd MD was, but consider seeing a NEUROLOGIST - not a surgeon - second opinion like.