Surrender

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Really, it's just time to stop now. I have no puns, no funny jokes, no more smiley face to put on. No more happy act. I've used all that up. I've done a pretty good job of managing, but I'm really finished.

It's. time. to. stop. hurting.

I cannot express to you how completely done I am with this. With pain. With a 14 year old child pointing out that my non-drugged pupils were "HUGE" because of a neurological issue. With people at work seeing me across a room and telling me that I "look like hell." Or telling me that they can tell I have a headache. No shit. After 10 days, I've stopped trying to pretend like I don't. There's no more charade.

My name is Katie. My life is currently dictated by the feeling that the back of my head is going to explode. Every thing I do revolves around that.

I want to enjoy my life so very badly. I want to still be at a good friend's house enjoying good food and company, but I just couldn't. I was laying with my head in Slappy's lap and I realized that I needed to be home. I wasn't being social, I was barely conscious and I needed to be home.

I really need this to stop soon. It's reaching a critical mass that I thought I could never reach. I thought I could manage pain, I have a fairly high tolerance (I'd like to point out that I had my tonsils taken out at age 20, without pain medication. That I had brain surgery with less than 24 hours of pain medication. That I had 1/4 of one of my boobs lopped off, without pain medication, I have a high pain tolerance), but this is too much.

This is my white flag. I cannot go on. I cannot fight this fight anymore. I don't know what to do.

Help.

17 comments:

jojo said...

Katie,
I have been checking in on you but have been a little remiss in leaving comments. My heart breaks just a little bit more every time I come here. I have nothing witty to say, no words of wisdom, nothing...but know that I am praying for you, for a break from the pain, for Katie to come back...because I miss her. I know we have nothing in common but pain but I hope someday we can find out what it's like to comment on each other site and find that we are both healthy and pain-free. i Understand when it is enough and I understand that you are there. Hold on just a little longer PLEASE ;)

Anonymous said...

We're out here, Katie. Pulling for you. Praying for you.
Flea

kim-d said...

I'm so worried about you, Katie. There is nothing more that I can say; there is definitely nothing I can do. Because you know I would if I could. If worry helped at all, you'd be 100% better by now.

Prayers; lots of them.

Colleen said...

Katie~
I know we don't know each other. I've been lurking here for a few weeks since I found your blog through another one I read. Just checking in to see how you are doing from time to time.

I'm sorry nothing is working, yet. But know there are people out here who are thinking of you and praying for the pain to go away. Or be fixed. Or something. Just keep hanging in there, baby!!!

carolyn said...

Maybe Slappy knows someone that can help? Let him go for it on your behalf. Call your doctor again and stop being nice. Demand that they do something. Show up at their office first thing in the morning. Do you need to be back in the hospital? I so wish that I could help. If prayers and good thoughts count for anything, then all of us that read your blog will fix this.

justlori2day said...

What is taking that MRI so long to be read? I have never heard of such absurdity! I wish there was some great words, or antictodes could make you feel better, but I digress, there is nothing I can offer you but a nice big cyber hug, a prayer for relief and hopes for some answers very soon!

Overflowing Brain said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ness said...

Katie, got your msg on my blog and dear heart, don't you worry about anything as far as I'm concerned. We're totally OK. Life majorly sucks for you right now and I understand. Keeping you in my prayers that resolution is just around the corner. I believe in you. Hang in there, Katie!

Anonymous said...

You know that I love south Louisiana, but they do have a certain...un-urgentness...sometimes, and it drives me crazy! Somehow, you need to see a doctor/medical team who will realize that this has to stop, and take action to do it. Does Slappy have any favors to call in? If not, I think you should call all of your doctors (boob and gyne included) and see if they know anyone. There has to be an answer, and you need it now. No more "wait and see" BS.

PS - You might want to edit the comment you left here, as it is somewhat revealing of Slappy's secret identity.

Anna in IL

Overflowing Brain said...

Um, that deleted comment was all me, because as Anna caught, I uh, might have left my husband's name in. So here's the comment, minus his name. That is what 11 days worth of pain does to a person.

Slappy's existence has already greatly paid off. He knew the ER doctors the other night, one of them saw him, asked him why he was there and as a result of my relation to Slappy I was seen quickly and easily. I did have to wait 5 hours before that. But whatever. His powers are not limitless.

I haven't had the MRI yet. It's tomorrow. They'll call with the results, definitely before Thursday because that's when my doctor leaves for vacation (I don't want to talk about that issue)

Louise said...

Katie,
I've been reading for a long time but I'm shy so have never left a comment.

I just wanted to say that I can't begin to imagine what you're going through.

As a teacher, I also can't begin to imagine how you are dealing with this incredible pain and also still managing to be in a classroom. I know that it's awful for me when I even have the sniffles and have to manage a class full of teenagers-- this must be utter hell for you.

You're in my thoughts. I hope that something works for you, and soon.

varietyisthespice said...

Oh Katie! I'm sorry, I've been insanely swamped with moving that I haven't had time to reply. =( I'm so sorry about the pain; you're in my thoughts. I KNOW you can do it. Keep strong!

nola said...

:( Seriously. :(

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

What if we just hook you up to an IV full of Margaritas?

I think we should try it. It just might work.

Hallie :(

Cathy said...

Thinking of you today and hoping you get some relief (or answers) soon. Really this sucks and no one should have to go through this!

Wendi said...

Oh, Katie!

So sorry. Sending lots of prayers your way for strength and courage. Hang on. You CAN get through this. We're all pulling for you.

AirmanMom said...

Katie, you are in my prayers.
Stay strong!

~AirmanMom returning to her blog...