I am not okay.
I'm trying to be, but I'm not.
My head is bad. Yesterday when I came home after work before dance chaperoning to take a nap, my peripheral vision was dark, it was weird. Today when I laid down to take a nap, my ears were ringing. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, it was also weird.
It hurts. It does not respond to Aleve. It does not respond to Tylenol. It does not respond to 24 time release NSAIDs. It does not respond to combinations of the 3 (my liver and kidneys are also not thrilled with that choice). It does not even respond to sleep. Sleep was the one thing I used to be able to count on with the pre-surgery headaches. If it hurt too bad, I just went to bed and when I woke up, I almost always felt better.
Since Thursday morning when this particular headache began, I have slept 4 times, with no benefit. I really am not equipped to handle this. I can't focus, I can't think, I cannot seem to really do anything except dwell on the fact that my head. fucking. hurts. Yes, it hurts f-bomb on a Saturday worthy.
I called the doctor yesterday afternoon and just said, look, I don't think that Topamax is causing these headaches, but I don't think it's going to be the answer either. I didn't expect a call back on a Friday afternoon (and I didn't get one), but if I don't hear back by Monday afternoon, I'll call again. And I'll lather, rinse, repeat every day until I get a call back and an appointment. I can't function this way. I'm not able to do my job well. I'm not able to enjoy my life and that was the reason that I had a 4 hour surgery, 13 staples, 5 months of physical therapy and countless anxiety attacks. So that I wouldn't have to do this anymore. And I do not believe that there's nothing more that can be done. I do not believe that I am going to have to learn to deal with this.
I will not accept that answer. I want more from my life and I will have it, damnit. If I have to spend every day on the phone with every doctor I know, I will be out of pain, I will find a life that most closely resembles normalcy and I will be me again.
My name is Katie and it's been 62 hours since my head hasn't hurt, but this will never ever be the status quo.
I am not okay.