I actually thought to myself, you know what? I'm being too negative, let me sit down and write a happier blog about the things that are going right in my life right now. And then I stared at a blank computer screen for 10 minutes.
And then I forgot what I was doing in the first place.
This week freaking blows. How many weeks in a row have I written that now? I'm going to have to change this blog to Overflowing Pessimism. Or Overflowing Shitfest. Or Overflowing Whiner. Or just Obnoxious.
For example, I love my husband dearly, or at least I think I do. It's difficult to remember since I haven't seen him in forever. He's on-call 2 nights a week now and since I'm working shitacular hours, I've seen him for like, um 3 hours since Monday morning at 5am. I don't love that. I feel like our schedules have made it impossible to spend any quality time together lately and my schedule isn't going to improve any time soon.
Work is handing me my ass at regular intervals. I lose track half-way through whatever I'm teaching. I forget whole binders full of information. I get classes confused and I cannot seem to get ahead on my work at all. No matter how much time I spend planning, I'm always only like 10 minutes ahead. And I still feel constantly incompetent.
Ditto on coaching, except, you know, the results of those endeavors are widely publicized, which just increases the likelihood of exposure of my ineptitude.
The classes that I'm taking are being put rather unabashedly on hold. My psych class is on a no-tardy-points reprieve still from the hurricane, which I hadn't planned on utilizing, except that when I sat down to actually do the assignment, I couldn't get the audio lecture to work. Because, well, it's me. Let's be honest, it's not the computer, it's me.
And above all else, my head still freaking hurts. So much I could just cry. And I'm tired all the damn time. I'm trying to give Topamax an honest try because I want it to work, I want these headaches to respond to medicine. I'll suffer through these side effects if my head will simmer the fuck down. I'll deal with my lips tingling and twitching, I'll deal with the fact that only 25mg a day has caused my brain to melt to drowsy mush, I'll manage the fact that when I get cold I completely lose feeling in my extremities if my head will just STOP.
I think I spoke too soon- one good thing happened today. I came up with a better name for Topamax. I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with Topasuck, but you switch the s with an f.