Talula does the Hula from Hawaii

Friday, August 1, 2008

I just finished reading the greatest news article ever and while arguments could be made for me spending this Friday night prior to the GRE studying, I read in a Kaplan book today that I should not study the day before and I will do everything Kaplan says. They probably also suggest beginning the studying more than a week before the exam, but let's not split hairs.

So this article is about naming your kids stupid odd things, which, you may or may not know, is something I've written about before, and yet, people continue to name their kids stupid unusual things, so here we are again. I'd like to dissect this article some. You know, just for shits and giggles. Which is also incidentally the first name on our baby name list.

"Indiana Elizabeth Jones shared her story with the iReport community, and we spoke with her mother, Jennifer Jones. The Port Deposit, Maryland, resident says Indiana got her name simply because her husband's family is from that state."

First, bullshit. We all know that it was no accident that you named your kid Indiana Jones. But what I have to know is, did NONE of your friends flick you in the forehead and remind you that naming your daughter after an action movie is perhaps, oh, I don't know, stupid unusual really stupid?

Incidentally, Slappy and I have decided that we're going to name our kids Northridge and Fresno. What? It's where our families are from.

"As for Dow Joseph Jones, there was serious talk of naming him Jack Ryan Jones, to keep the Harrison Ford theme. (Jack Ryan is the character Ford played in a series of action movies.) Instead, her husband named their son Dow on a dare while Jennifer was asleep in the hospital bed after giving birth."

Okay, this is admittedly pretty damn funny. Except where were the doctors and nurses? And how on earth did a man get to name his child while the mother was sleeping? And did no one processing the birth certificate go, "Dow Jones? Maybe I should check with his mother." Though having now been through the process of trying to deal with a typo on the marriage certificate I can imagine that, well, no one gave a crap. Kathnyn McSlapperson could attest to that.

Props to you, Mr. Jones, because you have got quite a pair.

"CNN.com asked users to share their unusual names after a 9-year-old New Zealand girl named Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii won the right to change her name."

You laughed and you know it. That is what I am naming my daughter. Or maybe Mango does the Tango from Argentina. Or Yolka does the Polka from Slovakia. Or Ling does the Swing from the West Coast.

(In reference to an interviewee named Open Weaver Banks) "Open is an unusual name, but it's not necessarily a name that one might expect to cause regular difficulties. Weaver Banks, however, says that she often has problems with it."

I'm sorry, but I definitely read it as Beaver Wanks. I can only imagine what high school kids probably did with that.

"Even celebrities aren't immune to the use of unusual names. Take boxer George Foreman's children, all named George. (Or actor Jason Lee's son, Pilot Inspektor, or comedian Penn Jillette's daughter, Moxie CrimeFighter.) These are just-plain bizarre names, like that of iReporter Holden Holden."

I'd like to translate this paragraph into normal people english. "Even celebrities aren't immune to being stupid unusual. Take boxer George Foreman's children, which, in a huge statement to his narcissism, are all named George. (Or actor Jason Lee's permanently damaged son, Pilot Inspektor (really? You couldn't even spell inspector right?) or commedian Penn Jillette's daughter, Moxie CrimeFighter, on which he took out a lifetime worth of frustration for his own first name of Ballpoint, I mean Penn.) These are just plain bizarre names, like that of some poor sap right of a bad J.D. Sallinger related acid drop, Holden Holden."

"As for Dow Jones' mother, she didn't go through with changing his name. Now she sees it as something unique for someone with the very common last name "Jones." And perhaps that's the bright side to having an unusual name: It sets you apart from the crowd."

Again, I empathize with how much work it is to change a name. You know, all the effort of standing in lines and filling out papers. Like the divorce ones I've have drawn up if my husband ever waited until I was asleep after pushing a child out of my nethers and named my kid after a stock exchange.

What's really great is that I'm in a position to do this to my children. My new last name has great potential for screwing my kids up, and yet, I'm thinking I might go a different direction. That and I feel like I have enough people in my life who would stop me if I wanted to name my kids something strange.

I'm sure if I called any of you and said, I think I'm going to name my kid Foghorn, it goes so nicely with our last name Leghorn, you'd go, hey Mrs. Leghorn, that's stupid fucked up. And you would be RIGHT.

To Mr. and Mrs. Jones, I sincerely wish you better family and friends in the future. And lots and lots of therapy for your children. The next of which will probably be named Davy. Or maybe you'll cut to the chase and just go with Attention Whore.


Anonymous said...

Speaking of names... I was reading a book yesterday, and I mis-read one of the character's names, and suddenly it was a cow's name. And I thought, hmm, someone mentioned that their MIL had a very nice name, which could be a cow's name if two letters were moved... And then I went - Ha! I know Slappy's mom's name! I was so proud of myself. :)

Anna in IL

Kirsten said...

My kids have what I consider unusual names, but I didn't name them after fruit or anything. I didn't want them to me the third Sophia or the fifth Emily in their class. Not that those aren't lovely names.

I don't publish their names on my blog but I don't mind sharing them. Macy and Avery are my twin girls. I am hoping that Macy's Department Store goes out of business in the next few years. She will probably hate me in a few years, but we just really loved the name. Right now at almost 6 years old she thinks it's cool. And Avery is a little pissed that she doesn't see her name every time we go to the mall.

My son is Anders. It's a good Norwegian family name. My husband is East Indian so all my kids have a very common Indian last name. Giving my son a Norwegian first name to go with his Indian last name seemed to make sense.

Like you, I've spent my life spelling my name for people. My first criteria for my kids was something easy to spell and pronounce.

Anyway, there's my long explanation of my kids names. At least I didn't name them One, Two and Three which was my husbands suggestion.

This was a great post.

Anonymous said...

One year in one class I had FIVE Jennfer's, FOUR Kristen's add that to a bunch of other common names; and then what's that same year without a student name GO and a student name Tahel. Nothing like saying, "Go, STOP, running arond the room, please!" Or, "Go, Tahel, please line up!" I really had to think before I spoke. However, 1/2 my class was already in line when I asked Kristen and Jennifer to line up. LOL!

Overflowing Brain said...

Mama Ginger Tree-

I really like your kids' names. I just don't like naming girls things like Jacob and Conner. Or Indiana Jones. I'm not opposed to unusual. Just to stupid. :)

susan said...

I taught high school last year and there weren't many Jennifer's, but there were a lot of Ashley's, Josh's, Brittany's, Matt's, and Justin's. None of these names were on our list when we had a child. We named him the unusual Quincy and common middle name James. They both go pretty well with our Slavic last name.
Thank you for making me laugh out loud!!

Flea said...

I love these stories. They make me feel so normal, having a name like Flea. I gave my children the more average names - Mae, Oliver and Nathaniel. No one can make fun of them, and not everyone responds when their names are called. Of course, Talula is a pretty name.

kim-d said...

I have two name suggestions for you right now. Oh, hell yeah :)! I will e-mail you because I know without a doubt you have already considered the two I came up with. And I just want you to know that if you decide to go with them, you will have my full support.

Are you SURE you're not pregnant? For a not-pregnant person, we certainly are talking about it a lot. Again, just sayin'...

I know, I know. I'm sorry. I'll stop now. Cause even if you are, it's none of my business.

Overflowing Brain said...

I replied to your email Kim with several other less obvious awesome name choices.

metalia said...

I love reading these stories; they really put into perspective my own weird name(s). I mean, Metalia is out there, but it's no Indiana Jones. Or Talulah Does The Hula From Hawaii.

Anonymous said...

You know my name's Nola, right, as in NOLA? Hrumpf. ;)

brneyedgal967 said...

I fell behind and I have just read this post.

Okay - this is not a birth name, but a married name that is so fucked up.

A girl I knew by the name of "Candy" married a guy named "Steve Dick." No lie.

Candy Dick.

She changed her name to Candace.

Bwahahah. Funny, but true as hell.