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Tuesday, June 3, 2008

(Okay, again, if you want to participate in the the contest I'll accept entries (as comments on that post) until Tuesday at midnight Pacific Time)

Oy.

Everyone keeps telling me that I'm way too calm for someone getting married in less than a week. And the truth is, I cycle. I have moments of pure serenity where I just know everything is going to be fine. Like when we picked up the table signs, a small detail that caused a catastrophic calamity and they were pretty much perfect. That was a great great moment. And then I have moments of pure psychosis where I woe-is-me myself about mostly the boob.

To be perfectly honest, pretty much all the wedding stuff is taken care of. I mean, tomorrow, the only thing we're doing is buying a gift for TF's nephew and then finding something to occupy our time so we don't have to talk to the MIL until dinner. I'm sure somewhere in there we'll be plotting a way to deal with the 20,000 last minute traditions she's come up with in the past few days, but for the most part, we'll fart around Los Angeles like we've been doing. I'm thinking we can make it to 3 movies in 3 days if we plan things right tomorrow.

See? Not stressed. Not even at the prospect of having a rather unpleasant conversation with the MIL about how we do not want to follow the Jewish tradition of having our parents stand at the front with us during the ceremony. This will go over badly, but really, if that's the biggest issue we cross with her (I'm sure it won't be), then things are rocking.

Now, all that said, the boob trauma is just getting me down. I'm trying, so very very much, to keep my chin up, but seriously, it's getting to me. Today it did some good leaking again, which is just not okay and I put another call into the doctor, just so that people on both sides of the country were aware of my displeasure. Seriously. There must be something else I can do.

And moreover, I really can't let this go in a way that lets me off the hook. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at the doctor. I'm angry at my body. This isn't fair. And I realize how 1st grade that sounds because it is, but seriously, I asked all the right questions, I made it crystal clear that I needed to be healed by now and was given a multitude of assurances that I would be, so really, what the hell? Why, 6 weeks after surgery, is my boob still leaking bright yellow fluid? Why is this in any way okay? How is it possible that there's nothing I can do besides squeeze myself into tiny sports bras with wads of gauze in them?

I cannot stop thinking about it because I know that this isn't just going to go away. That's just not how things work here. I do hope that it's healed for at least part of my honeymoon, but I've come to terms with the fact that it's likely not going to heal before then. Which means a number of things. It means my wedding night will involve a sports bra (totally sexy, I know). It means that I can't wear most of the bathing suits I have for Hawaii, and it means I can't snorkle, or swim or do anything involving getting an opening into my boob wet. And I know that in 20 years, I'm going to think back to my wedding night and remember that damned sports bra. I know I'm going to remember this trauma and I'm pissed to hell about it because IT'S JUST NOT FAIR. See, stress. Much stress.

Once I have a good bought of boo-hooing about that, I usually regain my perspective, re-pack my wound, and get on with my day. And this happens, oh, like every hour. It's exhausting and not terribly productive, I realize, but the more I try not to deal with these feelings, the more they come vomiting out of my mind.

So that's how things are going, if you were curious. Right now, you really never know what you're going to get.

9 comments:

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Maybe you can draw pretty flower pics on the sports bra to jazz it up? Or better yet, bedazzle it! (of course, if you own a bedazzler I will have to make fun of you!) Or maybe draw pornographic pics on it!

Whatever it takes...

And remember....20 years from now you will LAUGH about the bra and ONLY remember that you were lucky enough to marry the man of your dreams.

Hang in there.
Hallie :)

Anonymous said...

The fiance (from what you have told us) has been concerned, supportive, and wonderful through this whole ordeal, and I'm sure that a sports bra is not going to diminish his happiness in being married to you.

Hang in there. The end is in sight!

Anna in IL

Anonymous said...

Have you thought of seeing a dr. where you are - just to take a look at it and see if there is a 2nd opinion of something you can do? It would bother me too. But, I'll pray that it heals soon.

Lisa C.

Anonymous said...

Katie,
I so want you to enjoy your wedding and homeymoon. Be thankful that you have 2 breasts, be thankful that you have not lost your hair to chemo. Just try and enjoy what you do have. who cares what kind of bra you are wearing at your wedding. Just enjoy your day.

nola said...

Maybe you'll just have to stay in the hotel room more. If only there were fun things y'all could do alone in your hotel room on your honeymoon... Hmm.

What are the two docs saying? Is there a way to go get it suctioned and sped along?

Katie said...

Thanks to everyone for the good thoughts, and yes, I'm certain the sports bra won't be a big deal, but it's my current obsession (of thoughts, not in the good way).

The doctor called this morning (at 7:15am, that would be the time difference issue) and reiterated that there's just nothing that can be done besides my mashing it to death with multiple sports bras. So mashing I am doing. I hasn't worked yet, but hope springs eternal.

Kelly said...

I got married 3 years ago and the ceremony went perfect! We got to the hall and I turned to greet someone and fell! I was pissed! I sprained my knee pretty bad... was in pain the whole reception but shrugged it off like a champ. Delayed my honeymoon for a day because my husband was insistant I see a Dr. It ended up only being sprained really bad but the dr said you may have to go get it drained on your honeymoon! I was like you have got to be kidding me? It healed after a few months LOL but everytime I thought about it I would get so pissed off! So I know how your feeling! I hope it heals soon!

Flea said...

Thank you for being honest and getting that off your chest. Now if only you could get the puss off your chest for good. :)

jojo said...

I love fleas comment! Good to get it off your chest. Just stopping by to send you good thoughts and non-pusslike wishes!

j