Questions

Friday, May 30, 2008

I want to preface what I'm writing tonight with a disclaimer. I've been struggling the past few weeks with several things in my life and I've been trying to keep them to myself. Tonight I need to talk and it's coming in the form of questions. These are rhetorical and though many of them scream martyrdom and are fishing-for-compliment-esque, they are not intended in either way. I just really need to say some things, to no one in particular, because they need to be out of my head. I need to ask these questions and I need to have a few moments to just experience what I've been thinking and I can't find another way to do it. So please understand that this isn't me looking for sympathy, it's just me needing to talk it out and try to gain control (before I do something like shave my head) again.

Oh and please come back tomorrow, when I ask the big contest question, and hopefully will have gotten some sleep, leveled my hormones out a little and be back to sunshine and rainbows, like usual.

Who is responsible for the fact that there are absolutely zero A cup sports bras at target? I'm serious. Not only that, but nothing smaller than a 36 around either. Who on earth planned that? The fact that I am now the proud owner of 7 little girls department sports bras makes my soul weep. Even more so when I think about the fact that they are MEDIUMS.

What the hell was I thinking having this surgery 6 weeks before my wedding? How on earth could I have been so stupid? I know I was scared, but how did I not foresee this situation? I had 6 weeks before my wedding, 6 weeks that should've been pain and stress free. 6 weeks to get everything done. And through no fault of anyone's, 4+ weeks later, I have not healed from that surgery. What is wrong with me that I don't learn and don't anticipate this? What did I do that 99% of other surgical patients don't that caused me to be in this predicament? What should I have done differently? What did I do wrong? If I had gone to the doctor on Monday instead of Thursday would it have gone away? If I had not gone to the doctor in April (if I had kept my scheduled May appointment), would I have had this stupid surgery? Did anything good come from this?

Where am I going to be able to find the time to finish everything that needs to be done in the next 10 days? Methinks I've taken on the impossible.

When will I get to sleep for more than 6 hours? And will that level out these hormones? Will that make me remember how to be a normal human being? Will I be able to not pick fights and not make my Fiance feel like crap? When will I stop trying to push people away to prove that I am unloveable?

Why are my in-laws the way they are? What defect is this? The fact that my poor Fiance had to listen to a full days worth of "wrongdoings" regarding the wedding is not okay. What the hell did he do? And why is it wrong that we planned the wedding the way we wanted it? We're footing a BIG chunk of the bill (which is one of MANY things we've done wrong) and they're not. I don't understand how they get to tell him or me what to do.

And what good is it to tell us now, a week and a half before the wedding that we shouldn't have paid the photographer in full before the wedding (a photographer recommended to us by our wedding site, he's more than trustworthy), or that Mardi Gras beads really would've made the wedding so much better? Can we go back in time and un-do this? Then why can't it be let go? And how on earth does anyone have the gall to suggest that their fucking dog should be the ring bearer rather than my cousin, whom I have known and loved since the day of his birth? I do not understand. And moreover, how does anyone expect me to not cause a forest fire with the bridges I'm going to burn after spending this next week with them.

How does anyone get through the wedding planning and execution with a shred of sanity. Or without killing their family?

Logically, in my head, I know that the boob complications are not my fault. I know that I had every reason to believe that this would heal up fine, and for a time it did. But functionally, in my life, I can't help but think that I've ruined my honeymoon. I feel like I've lost my control over my health again and I'm so incredibly upset about this. I know we'll have a good time, I just know that if it doesn't heal, I will remember forever, that we couldn't enjoy the beaches of Maui and the snorkeling therein because I was too stupid and impatient to wait 2 months to have it done.

I also know that I should tell my in-laws to blow it out their asses, and I might do that, though with some respect and decorum (not that she's offered me any). I know that I should not let their inability to be kind dictate my attitude, but it does to a certain degree, despite my wishing otherwise.

And I know in the end, that no matter how much worry and trouble is involved in planning this wedding, that it's worth it. Even without the dress, the flowers, the music, the photographer, without any of it, the heart of this, our marriage, is worth all of it. But I won't lie, I wish it was easier. I suppose the best things in life aren't free.

15 comments:

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

HOW is it that you would think for even a second that having these questions isn't totally normal?

You have A LOT on your plate. I for one think you are doing a kick ass job balancing it all.

Someday, maybe you'll look back at it all and chuckle over the "DOG AS RING BEARER" request. I mean come on...it IS hysterical that they would suggest such a thing!!

Hallie :)

Anonymous said...

Katie, Katie, Katie, this sounds like a whole lot of pre wedding jitters. I think that staying together through planning and preparing for a wedding is a test to see if you can make it through marriage. Don't beat yourself up for having the surgery, if you hadn't you would have been worried about what it was so now you know. Also about the in-laws. Just remember they made an awesome son and they had something to do with how he turned out. Just give them the respect of being his parents and smother them with love. I know you aren't going to like that idea but it is the best I can come up with. Be better than they are. Listen to them then let act like a duck and let it roll off your back. About the next couple of weeks, relax a little, somehow it will come together. It will all work out and be beautiful! Enjoy it. I know, I know, easier said than done, but I know because I have been there. Best wishes to you Katie oh and I have been praying for your booby to heal and will continue to do so.
Kathy

nola said...

This is why we left town and go married on a beach with six people in attendance. I didn't sleep well either before my wedding, or before any big party I am hosting. Too many details to keep up with. Write lists and do your best to keep them current and that way you don't have to keep your mind on them.

The rest? What's done is done and people are who they are. Can't change it. Learn to let go and not be affected.

And A bras--America is getting fatter every day and As are less and less in demand. Sad, eh?

Ryan said...

Who - You can thank obese america for this one. Unfortunately Target is winning over some Loose-your-will-to-live-mart customers, who don't frequently wear small sizes. Greta (kissmygumbo) has a reccomendation for a "bra-lady" that might be able to help you out.

What - you did the medically responsible thing. you'll be happier for it in the end.

Where - no advise here, "cuz dat's da story of ma life"

When - see above

why - inlaws are insane. all of them... even my ficancee's.

How - they don't... as far as I can tell

Becs said...

Don't worry about the boob issue. You did not ruin anything and I am sure your fiance will not think that for one second. I know how you feel. I have been there. Not really in the same sense as you, but trust me, I can totally identify.

Just breathe. Remember you are marrying the love of your life. So many people would kill to be in your situation.

Also remember, you have every right to vent and get frustrated. Planning a huge event is stressful. Just remember to not let anything ruin your day. Get the stress out now so that on your wedding day, you will be as destressed as possible!

Anonymous said...

*hugs*

Anna in IL

~~Silk said...

This is a test. And when it's all over, and the two of you are still speaking to each other, you'll know that together you can handle anything life throws at you.

Daisy Duke said...

Hugs. And here is a (somewhat) polite speech to the in-laws:

"You know I am really excited to marry your son & become a part of your family. My wedding is something I've dreamed about for years and had a lot of fun planning with my Mom/friends and your son. Now that the big day is almost here I am happy you are going to be a part of it with us, but all we need from you now is your attendance. At this point we arn't changing anything we've planned and paid for, and we look forward to everyone enjoying it just the way WE wanted it. Can't wait to see you there. How is the weather today?"

And if the MIL doesn't get it I'd follow up with "You know I've tried being polite but I'm going to ask that we not discuss any of the wedding details beyond what time you need to be there."

CatMominPhilly said...

i am just getting started planning my wedding, and it is impossibly complicated already. And we are only having 30-50 ppl. Insane. WTF??? LOL, it tooks us 3 months to set a date.

jojo said...

You absolutely did the right thing having the surgery. Waiting another two months could have been foolish, and although it is not healing as you had hoped for, those will not be the things you remember about your wedding day. It will all fall into place, and it wil be beautiful. It's all about you and the groom and even wihout all the other intrusions that's all that really matters. You starting your new life together.
Take care and best wishes.

that dog thing is really off the wall though!

the queen said...

I think you're seeing how your in-laws deal with stress. My m-i-l was completely left out of the planning for her own daughters wedding, and while it was justified, the whole family is such a collection of control freaks having something not under her thumb twisted her mind. Such that she was short to MY SAINTED MOTHER and hung up on her.

So, you are seeing how they deal with stress, and they are seeing how you deal with stress. Show them how it's done. It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how you deal with the stress. You can have the dog be a ring bearer (Christ Almighty) or have your cousin, as long as you don't act like them.

The reason you've been invited into this family is that you balance them out. You aren't like them, thats why you're here. It's no fun being the strong one.

Put them to shame.

Flea said...

Look how loved you are! I'm so glad you're getting all of this out! Vent, girl, vent! And you know how I feel about your in-laws. I say just be direct and honest, even if that means catching all kinds of hell later.

I'm watching (from afar) my new sis-in-law with my in-laws and it amazes me. They behave like I've never seen it and it hasn't let up in two years. Her secret? Being blunt. Challenging every lie and bit of ugliness without anger or hostility. Just putting the crap back on the table and refusing to let them call it hers. She's unbelievable and the results are stunning. Worth a try now, before this all gets rolling too fast. Or maybe after the wedding. Something to look forward to?

Honeymoon - carry the camera everywhere and record it all in pictures.

kim-d said...

It seems to me that you're handling all of these shituations like a champ. I'm serious, Katie! Since I am quite late to the party here, for once I don't have a whole lot to add to what has already been said so well. But, me being me, I have to say something, so let me pick on the MIL. I had a whole bunch I wanted to say about her, but I decided to leave it at this--she is incorrigible. Totally devoid of social graces. And, really, it must just TOTALLY suck to be her; that's the only thing I can come up with as to why she treats others so badly. Or that she's a sociopath. Either way, it is what it is. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS...keep at least 2000 miles between your home and hers. And never leave her alone with your future children. Just sayin'.

I'm just so excited for you, Katie. Your wedding is going to be beautiful, and it is just the beginning of a whole beautiful life with the man you love. And your honeymoon is going to be great, too. Fortunately, there are things other than snorkeling that you can do on your honeymoon :). Heck, you can even call it snorkeling if you want--it's your honeymoon, so go nuts. HA! And then, you have a bright, bright future to look forward to. It's all gonna be just fine...

Kate said...

Argghh! I am so relieved that my inlaws and parents both fall closer to the disinterested end of the spectrum.

Don't stress about the boob, and never blame yourself. The far worse outcome would be NOT having surgery because of the wedding and finding out later you should've.

You can handle the imperfections/little upsets on your wedding day, and you will cope if the honeymoon isn't as amazing as it should be. You don't deserve all this and it blows completely, but there WILL be more vacations, with your fabulous new husband!

PS- completely feel your pain re: A- cup sports bras. We can bounce too!

Monkling said...

Hmmm... I posted something on here the other day but I was having issues with my new system. Don't expect me to remember the wonderful wisdom filled comment I left. Or maybe I just dreamed I posted it. Or maybe I posted it on someone else's blog by accident...