Full

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I am finished with tests for a full week and a half, which is lovely. I have a ridiculous paper due the 16th, but it's not even being thought about until Saturday. The relief brought by finishing this leg of the marathon is immeasurable.

I'm in such a weird place right now. The blog might read that way for a while.

On the one hand, I feel like things are flying past me with a velocity never before seen by humans. I can hardly keep up. I haven't even had the chance to read any of y'all's blogs in almost a week because I was studying, or working or otherwise busy. When I'm not reading blogs then you know that I'm seriously otherwise occupied.

That said, I also feel like everything is stagnant. I've had the same conversation about 12 times now and come to the same lack of resolution. I've run the timeline of the next two weeks in my head and have not gotten any more comfortable with it. I have tried to sit down here and tell you one interesting thing I did today, and there's just nothing.

Because my brain is completely full. Nay, I suppose it is probably overflowing.

I have one section full to the brim with school stuff. I have my anatomy practical a week from Monday, which essentially I have to get 100% on to have a hope or a prayer at an A. And I mean literally a hope/prayer because I technically can't earn it.

I have one section full of wedding things because OH MY GOD are there about 10 trillion things waiting on me. And I haven't done a single one of them recently (I did read through the first dance suggestions, but so far none of them are giving me that ah-ha feeling, know what I mean?). Oh, and the wedding is officially in less than 2 months. Holy. shit.

And the rest of my brain is a big mush of worry. I'm hardly sleeping and what sleep I get is not restful. I have nightmares about the surgery, about having cancer, about missing my wedding. I wake up sweating and nauseated several times a night and every single morning. I have so many anti-anxiety medications coursing through my veins that I'm pretty impressed with myself for being conscious. I want answers, but I'm not finding a lot of information. What I really want is the clarivoyance to see into the future and make sure that I'm doing the right thing. A little reassurance that I'm going to be fine wouldn't hurt either.

I feel completely full and at the same time, completely empty. I feel like a shell of the person I'm supposed to be and instead of me standing inside it, it's chock full of anxiety, worries, stress and all those synonyms. I feel like I'm carrying a burden all by myself because I have no one to go to right now. I don't have the vast resources I had with the brain surgery and though I'm not alone, I really am feeling that way today.

No matter how many times I read about it, think about it, or talk about it, it's just not getting clearer. If anything, I think I'm more confused than I have been before. And at this point, all I keep thinking to myself is whether or not this is ever going to get easier. Because right now, it does not feel that way.

5 comments:

nola said...

It WILL get easier. It just will. Either because you will have less on your plate or be in better shape health-wise or have come to better terms with things or some combination of all of the above. Give yourself TIME to absorb all you are dealing with.

The lump--you need to allow yourself to be okay with freaking out. It's totally allowed. And once you KNOW MORE, you can truly begin to process it.

The wedding--it's supposed to be the best time in your life. Yeah, whatever. It's stressful and scary and chuck-full of things that the WOMAN is responsible for. Again, give yourself a break and let it be that this can be great and wonderful and stressful too. And that it can still be all you want it to be. Life changing events are complex!

School--stress. Plain. Simple. So what if you get a B? As they say, you know what they call the law student that graduated with all D's? A lawyer.

All in all, it seems you are putting far more stress on yourself than anyone or anything is putting on you. Remind yourself that this is your life, and even at the worst its yours and you deserve not to beat yourself up!

BREATHE. Cry if you need to. Find someway to release stress. Music? Hot bathes? FQF?

Hope that wasn't too preachy or mother-hen-ish!!!

Flea said...

Bubble bath. Candles. Soft music. Good book. Not a text book. Just half an hour to unwind and breathe?

~~Silk said...

Blog comments are "supposed" to be support and validation, unless a specific question is asked or a challenge offered.

I tend to defy authority, and I consider this a challenge.

Your main problem is that you are trying to do everything all at once. Women are supposed to be so good at multitasking, but even a woman has limits.

Here's some advice that might be useful. Every evening, make up a to-do list for the next day, and assign priorities. Give yourself specific things to do, and calculate the time it will take to do each thing, then set up a schedule of TIME SLOTS for the highest priority items that will fit into the day.

Two rules:
1.) During the time slot alloted to a specific task, DO NOT do or even think about anything else, especially not something of a lower priority. If thoughts of anything else keep intruding, if it's important, IT'S ON THE LIST with its OWN TIME. You will think about it then, and only then. Do not answer the phone. You can always call people back. If you absolutely need more time, take it from the lowest priority item.
2.) Worrying is sometimes a task, and if you don't give it its own time, it will intrude on other tasks, so give yourself 15 (or so)minutes in the morning and 15 (or so) minutes in the evening when you will worry about a specific thing. Worry with a pen in hand, so you don't keep going over the same thoughts. If a worry intrudes on other tasks, remind yourself that it will have its own time, later.

Two things to remember: 1)No one will notice if anything at the wedding isn't the way you wanted it, and 2) Good enough is good enough!

Daisy Duke said...

Just remember that you can't compartmentalize everything and when it rains it pours... so don't get down on yourself (besides, it sounds like you don't have *time* for that anyway, much less the energy) and try to tackle it all at once.

A few thoughts on sleeping better (because I'm an awful sleeper).... white noise, warm bath before bed, linen spray from Restoration Hardware, and a notepad by your bed. If you wake up with a bad dream, a thought of something to do, or simply a worry, write it down. It might help you get it off your mind if at least for enough time for a few uninterrupted hours of sleep.

Flea said...

There's something for you at my blog.