Aunt Helpful

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I got a call today from my mother, informing me that my aunt is coming to New Orleans to "help" us out with this surgery. I use help in quotations because while she is well intended, she's probably the least helpful person I know.

She came and helped my other aunt right after she'd had her daughter. After about 10 minutes of Aunt Helpful yelling about how Aunt JustHadABaby was SMOTHERING the baby with her boob and that THE BABY CAN'T BREATHE, Aunt JHAB growled at us "to get her out of the room right now."

Well intended? Yes. Well executed? Never.

She and The Fiance also tend to not get along very well. It's mostly because Aunt Helpful, like the rest of my family, is extremely good at finding an insecurity and then poking it overandoverandover. She honed in on The Fiance the first time she met him, telling him that he was not a "real Jew" because he had not had a Bar Mitzvah. She's the same aunt who told me that I probably had health problems because I was unhappy. Nevermind the whole cranial malformation thing. Do you see my skepticism about the "help" she's offering?

So besides 10 trillion wedding errands (holy shit I'm getting married in 6 weeks) and studying for my anatomy lab final exam (which is Monday), I now also have to clean up the cockroach carcasses, reinflate the air mattress, put sheets on it and generally clean the pig stye that is my house.

I also have to find some way to keep The Fiance from smothering her in her sleep. Though if it were to happen, I honestly wouldn't blame him, we'd just call it self-defense and anyone who knows her would probably just nod and agree.

Why can't this just be over already?


Anonymous said...

Heh. Aunt Helpful. I'm figuring by the time my niece & nephews are old enough for me to help with anything, I'll be too old to give a rat's ass about helping anyone.

6 weeks? Did you ever mention the exact date? Just because I'm curious and all.

Overflowing Brain said...

Nope. But I did list the precise number of days recently. If you're a math whiz you can figure it out. :)

I gotta keep some mysteries, otherwise no one would continue read.

Anonymous said...

Send her to do wedding errands!! Can she at least cook?

Here's wishing it goes well.

Liz said...

Is it just 6 weeks away now? Holy crap!

Ness said...

Are you having rice bags or birdseed bags at your wedding to toss at the bride and groom? If so, have her make them. That should keep her busy. Keep the Fiance with you post op and have Auntie do the mundane things like housecleaning, etc. I have a feeling if you make a long to-do list for her on the refrigerator, she may not stay very long...take care.