Procrastination-Nation

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I had a surge in visitors today from a cool project on Kristie's blog, which is interesting because you may or may not realize that I'm a total comment slut and you're killing me here people. I've already, at 9:45, had more visitors today than ever before by a full 40 people.

I've had visitors representing 34 of the 50 states, Canada, Australia, The UK, France, Austria, Sweden, The Philippines and South Korea.

And 2 people signed the comments.

TWO. PEOPLE.

You're killing me Smalls.

How on earth am I supposed to procrastinate effectively when I have nothing to read besides the stuff I'm supposed to be reading? That my friends is the opposite of procrastination, that's productivity and it's discouraged in this house.

And I need you today, see, the hand continues to suck more than usual and as an added bonus my foot started tingling so I got to spend an extra 30 minutes being monitored at physical therapy to make sure I wasn't having a stroke, which is a funny exaggeration to make until you think you're having one, and then it's as serious as a heart attack. I mean, um, as serious as...um...a stroke?

And for extra fun, my physical therapist revealed a bigfatlie she'd been keeping from me, which is that my right hand, the slightly non-deficient hand, has actually been steadily declining the last two weeks too. So color me surprised and super jacked up. She had just kept referring to its measurements as in the "staying in twenties" for the past three weeks, but apparently it actually was 29 three weeks ago, 27 two weeks ago, 25 last week, and 19 today. Frickity frick frick. Frick.

So see, it's time that you use your God-given talent and distract me from my woes and from studying for my anatomy exam tomorrow. Here's your challenge: whoever leaves the funniest joke in the comment section (as judged by me (hi, it's my blog and therefore my rules)), wins something yet-to-be-determined, but most likely my favorite reward, which is charity donations.

So go ahead, make my day. No really, make it.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is the best I can do. Sorry it's sooooo long. I like comments myself......Hugs, Jodi (IL)

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jodi1

"Lizard Birth"

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out
LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was "something wrong" with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having
babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically! )

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,"
I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle
of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted
to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I
noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested
scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting, " he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not
in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,"
he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

the queen said...

1. Didn't you see the Grape Stomping Accident on Dooce today? HiLARious.
2. I researched the best joke ever for you:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Ashley said...

How do you lead a crazy person out of the forest?
- Take him on the psycho-path!


What do you call a cow with no legs?
- Ground Beef

hope these make you smile, and i'm hoping the hand strength/numbness gets better soon

pinkjellybaby said...

I thought i'd leave you a comment as i've dropped by! :)

Anonymous said...

A guy wanted to take his Chihuahua into a restaurant with him, so he put on dark glasses and "tapped" his way into the establishment.

The waiter said "Hey!, you can't bring a dog in here."

The man indignantly claimed "I'm blind! This is my seeing-eye dog!"

"You're trying to tell me" said the waiter, "that this Chihuahua is a seeing-eye dog?"

"What???!!", cried the man, "they gave me a Chihuahua?"

Anonymous said...

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
___________________________________

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
___________________________________

Dusty Underwear
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his
wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.
Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused,
and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little
"dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum
powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker...
"It's not talcum powder......
It's 'Miracle Grow'."

sharon said...

**"Hello?'**


**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**


**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**


**After a brief pause,**


**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**


**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**


Brief Pause.


**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**


**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**


**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**


**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**


**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**


**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**


**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****


**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*


**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

I found your blog while searching the blogosphere for Chiari 1 info. My 4 year old son was diagnosed 2 days ago. We've had our share of kiddo complications but this was does not look fun at all. Thanks for sharing!

www.durhamfamily.blogdrive.com

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you asked for jokes, I had such good laughs reading these today. Sorry I can't think of anything good to share. If you want my vote though it goes for the Silent Treatment or the Lizard Birth.

I hope your hand gets better, I can't imagine how frustrating it is for you.

Ness said...

Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't prepared
for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded: "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything other than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned!

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: "Mrs.
Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied: "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state, not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know
him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very
quiet voice said: "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you both to the electric chair."

Anonymous said...

Hi - I'm new to your site - saw your letter to the future Dr.'s on Kristie's site. I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time.

This isn't a joke but something that happened to my 7th grade daughter last week. She was in art class and the teacher was teaching them about calligraphy. She was showing them pictures of some beautiful calligraphy letters. She showed them a "P" and they talked about that. Then she showed them another letter and said "it's hard to tell what this one is, it could be a C or an E. But, this one we know is a P because of it's P-ness."

Okay, now think about it... and imagine a classroom full of 7th graders laughing hysterically about the fact that their teacher just said p-ness (penis). Too funny.

Lisa in CT

Anonymous said...

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95- year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. " Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the Church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

I found another one... enjoy!!
Angel - SC

Anonymous said...

There was two women sitting in a pew in church. The minister was giving his sermon and was getting long-winded. He went on an on. Finally the one lady said, "Gee, he's going on so long my butt fell asleep. The other lady replied. "Yeah, I know! I heard it snore 3 times."

Hope this brightens your day!

Sandra said...

I followed the link over from Kristie's blog as well.... and loving reading your blog... adding it to my feed reader. I have cracked up reading several posts... and taught my 8 year old the ol' hand-bigger-than-face trick (of course after I did it to her hehe) and I totally remember it from way back. I can't wait to get a call from her school tomorrow for her hurting kids!! j/k thanks for the great reads

Anonymous said...

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??



Angel - SC

~*~Snappz~*~ said...

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile !!

Hope they managed to waste a couple of minutes of your day, and distract you for a while :-)

P.S. I'm the new visitor from Australia! G'day!