All The Things I Didn't Say

Friday, February 8, 2008

**Lanny is hosting a contest I will be judging and it's pretty awesome. Y'all need to get your behinds over there and participate because it's a cool prize and she's a cool woman!**

Since the MIL is leaving today, I feel like I need to purge myself of all the things I wanted to say to her, but didn't. This is not a complete list, and it's not really chronological, but here goes.

-Good morning (ha, I'm so funny)

-What's taking so long is that I ripped my finger open and it's difficult to put change in the machine with one functional hand. Also, just because you ask me 1400 times, doesn't mean I'm going to be more capable of stopping crying long enough to answer you.

-shut up

-If every restaurant we go to is an "institution," doesn't that term lose a little of its meaning? Additionally, you may not criticize your son's eating habits because you eat SO much worse than he does and frankly, you're no skinny minnie either.

-Go home.

-If you're so out of money, why did we go to four different 300 dollar dinners?

-If that martini was SO strong, why did you then follow it with two glasses of wine and an after dinner drink?

-If you put the God damned trash can on the counter one more time, I'm going to scatter its contents on your bed. Trash does not belong on the counter.

-This is not and will never be YOUR house.

-Go home.

-I will not declaw my cat because I don't want to and because I don't have the money. I'm terribly sorry that you had to replace 5 of your sofas from cat scratching, perhaps I'm just not as materialistic as you?

-Yes, a fever of 103* would indicate that I'm sick.

-If you love this city so much, why do you constantly complain about the roads, the sidewalk, the busy restaurants, the smoke, the humidity, the bugs and the way people eat?

-Shut up, and then go home.

-You are an alcoholic. Normal people do not drink 3 glasses of wine at home before dinner, a Martini while waiting for dinner, a glass of wine with dinner and an Irish Coffee after. Well, maybe they do, but most of them are then incapable of being ambulatory.

-Rinsing your coffee cup and putting it in the dishdrainer does not make it clean enough for other people to drink out of.

-When you go to someone's house and you open brand new box of coffee pods, it's not really appropriate to drink almost all 30 of them and then tell us that we really are going to need to go out and buy more coffee. No shit sherlock. You drank it all, perhaps it would be kind if YOU replaced it?

-If your favorite place to be in New Orleans is the upstairs lobby of a hotel, why don't you just stay in Los Angeles. They have lots of hotels there. Or better yet, just stay in that hotel from the start!

-When you reminded me that you're going to be back here in 3 months, I threw up a little in my mouth.

-Yes, I went to CVS two days in a row. Why exactly do you care?

-No, Jazz Fest likely won't be fun, because when you spend your whole day yelling, bickering and complaining, almost no one has a good time. Ask my parents, they only managed to go to one day of it with you.

-You cannot claim that the iPhone is SO intuitive and then not know how to answer the regular phone at the hotel.

-If I wanted your opinion, I probably still wouldn't have asked.

-Go home.

-Did you not see the 800 thousand signs at the airport that say you have to have the liquids in a ziplock bag? Was it really a huge surprise?

-The shirt is fine. It looks like every other shirt you wear. No one will ever notice that it's not exactly the one you meant to pack. Also, if it's the same style and color as the one you meant to pack: a) why did you buy another one exactly like it; and b) why the hell does it matter?

-I didn't ask how your dog was doing because frankly I think it's the stupidest, most worthless creature I've ever encountered. And you telling us that he follows orders is not impressive because whenever I'm around this dog he eats food he shouldn't be eating, tries to lick the babies head and sneezes snot all over my face. He's. not. cute. (this is not an all dog thing by the way, just this particular one).

-It's considered rude to not want to catch any beads, and yet still stand up and yell for them.

-Why does it matter what we do with our beads?

-I would rather claw my eyeballs out than have this conversation with you right now.

-If I told you that I did not want to eat sweetbreads at two other restaurants because I don't eat veal, is there some reason why you'd still think at the third restaurant that I'd like to try them? Is there a mental deficit there?

-Don't go on and on about how you want to try a dessert and then try to make everyone at the table feel like pigs when they actually order the dessert that you've been clamoring over (and then ate). You can't have it both ways.

-GO HOME.

-If you forget that your son's birthday is in a week, so help me, I'm going to make a lot of things even more unpleasant for you. And I realize that given how much you dislike me you probably don't find that likely or possible, but I will.

-I'm so freaking glad you checked into a hotel. If I'd have known that was an option sooner I definitely would have cut back the niceness a lot sooner.

-Good riddance.

5 comments:

kim-d said...

AMEN, MY SISTAH! THAT'S MY GIRL!!!

Ya know what? Seriously, I wondered if alcohol or Rx's were an issue. Along with the personality disorders. That makes sense, although it sure is no excuse. There are lots of really nice alcoholics. Hehehe. That would be most of MY family :). When they were alive...

I'm just really glad that you have a blog/blog friends. It's a good place to vent, and good people to vent to. I am so glad she's finally going home. I would just be more glad if she'd never come back.

Give The Fiance an extra squeeze, from me. He survived living with her. The guy deserves a freakin' medal. Oopsies...not supposed to say that. Oh well. :)

Good riddance is right!

Ness said...

Ding Dong the Witch is Almost Gone!!!

And yes, extra hugs to The Fiance for if he can survive being her son, he can survive anything!

Rest up..you so deserve it!

Ness

the queen said...

Why are you listening to this woman? I bet that's how the Fiance deals, he doesnt listen to her. I started getting along with my m-in-l better when I realized no one heeds a word she says.

brneyedgal967 said...

ROFLMAO!

You're hilarious. Thanks for the laugh and I hope you feel better now. Just letting it out sometimes help, even if you're not the true bitch you claim and can't say all these things to her face.

Cheers,
Tammy

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Was my MIL staying with you? Are you sure her name isn't Jerri?

Hallie :)