Reflected and Resolved

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

I had intended to write this entry last night, but I was swept up with family obligations and didn't have the chance. The Fiance went back home today and ordered me to bed-rest, so I'm finding myself with tons of free (and much less fun) time to do the things I've been intending to do.

2007 was a trying year.

It was my first calendar year with a real full time career, one which I discovered that I, um, well, hate. But in that hatred was also a chance to change my future and in that way I'm thankful for 2007 because I'm now really on the way to something bigger, something better and something different.

It was a year filled with a great deal of physical pain and challenges. By fall, the headaches were almost constant and it was truly more normal to wake up with a headache than to wake up without one. But at the same time, 2007 was the year we finally did something about it. This will forever be the year where the headaches stopped. And no, there's no way to say that this is a permanent fix. My symptoms could come back tomorrow and there would be nothing we could do, but for the first time, I am living without pain and 2007 will always hold a special place in my heart for that.

It was the year I got engaged to the most amazing person I've ever had the privilege of meeting. Despite the fact that I've treated him like a steaming pile of crap lately and that we've hit a bit of a rough spot, I am still thrilled for everything that we've shared this year, even the fighting because it's time that I've gotten to spend with my best friend.

As far as 2008, there is much to look forward to and much planned.

In 2008 I resolve to try more things, to step outside my shell and accept that failure is an option but not the end of the world. In 2008 I will start a new job, one that is completely foreign to me. I have no idea if I'll like it or if I'll be good at it, but it's something that I have to try or I'll regret it the rest of my life. I will voluntarily leave the comfort zone of a job that I'm good at and embark on something different and new.

In 2008 I resolve to procrastinate less, though I'm not starting that one until tomorrow. I have a horrible time with procrastination and what could take 10 minutes takes three and a half weeks for no other reason than that I just can't get myself to pick up the phone, or write the email or send out the stinking Save the Dates. So I resolve to try a lot harder to get on top of my things because I've learned that it doesn't just affect me when I put things off until the last minute.

In 2008 I resolve to be more tolerant. Not necessarily of rude and crass crazy people who swerve in front of my car or of the people who let their kids walk around in nothing but a diaper in a nasty store in December, but I resolve to let the small things go. To stop nagging, to stop being so picky, to stop being so unnecessarily grumpy about stupid things. I resolve to try and let the people in my life be who they are and act how they want to.

In 2008 I resolve to be me again. I think through the course of the chronic headache pain, full time jobs and part time grad school I lost bits of myself. I want to be the happy person that I know I am. I want to smile more, laugh more and just enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I will seek help for the things I've learned that I can't deal with myself, even when it means jumping through 800 hoops to get it. I want 2008 to be the year where I get my emotions, anxiety and dare I say it, moments/periods of depression under control and become the person that I know I am, that I am inside and that I want to be. I'm not proud of how I've let myself fall apart, but I want to be proud of how I put myself back together again.

In 2008 I resolve to change, both for the better and for good.