When I am defeated by myself

Saturday, December 8, 2007

I hope this isn't your first time reading here, because this particular entry isn't going to be humorous or light hearted. If you want to leave now, trust me, no one will be offended.

I put up a poll earlier about my hair and I'm sure some of you laughed at me. Two weeks ago I went on and on about how it was "just hair" and that the surgeon could take off as much as he needed to get a sterile area. And today, in one of my more hypocritical moments I whined about hair, hell, I've cried about hair today. Twice. I know I'm being ridiculous. It's hair.

But I guess it runs deeper than I thought. I have been fat and I have been skinny, have had braces, acne, glasses, you name it, but my hair is something I've always taken care of and has been something people complimented me on. It's one of the few things that gained me positive attention when I was younger and it's something I've hidden behind a lot in my life.

Now, I have one hairstyle. I can pull the top 2/3 of my hair into a ponytail, revealing the 5 inch incision on my head so that people can walk by and point and gasp and do other things that normally I'd laugh off. But this is so much harder than I thought it would be. Ridiculously, I realize, but truly it is.

I'm embarrassed. I feel unattractive. The only thing that I feel like I can do is to cut it. I just realized that I can't have what I want for my wedding. I can't pull my hair back, it won't go. I could make the lowest low bun ever, and I guarantee I'd have so much hair hanging down below it that it would look a mess. I can't have what I'd imagined, what I'd planned and it is upsetting. I am upset.

I feel out of control. Until today I wasn't allowed to shower alone, I can't drive anywhere, I can't be alone most of the time. I've lost all my independence and I've lost my hair. Yes, I hear what I'm saying, it's absurd. It's ridiculous. It's hair! It's not my health or happiness, but it is a part of me, it's something that as it turns out, is important to me and I don't know how to rectify this.

I feel like I have to cut it. Like the only way to spare myself the disappointment in June of not being able to have the hair I want for my wedding is to readjust my idea of what I want now. If I can just establish in my mind a new image of what it'll look like, I'll be able to make my peace with it.

I don't know. I do know that I'm being ridiculous. I realize that when you compare what's going on in my life with people who have real problems that I'm probably the most obnoxious person in the world today. I know it and I hate it. I have guilt toppling over everything else. I despise how I feel and how I'm acting today.

I don't like how hypocritical I'm being, I don't like how petty I'm being and I hate how ungrateful I am. I had surgery that fixed what was a huge problem in my life. Daily excrutiating headaches, coordination problems, muscle twitches, etc. And instead of typing an entry about how my life has changed for the better and how happy I am, I've typed 400 words on how upset I am that I'm missing hair.

I'm embarrassed, and upset and really, I don't even really like me today. I guess I just hope that tomorrow brings clarity, a slightly lower level of hormones and some reality to my life. Thank you for reading and please understand that however ridiculous you think I am, I promise that I feel infinitely more so.

8 comments:

Monkling said...

Hey, you know what? You're allowed to feel bad about the hair thing. You've been through a lot so give yourself a break. I've seen brides obsess over way less, who haven't been through what you've gone through.

As far as what to do with your hair - I'd ask someone who cuts hair. They should be able to advise you as to what would work out best based on how much your hair will grown over the next 6 months.

Anonymous said...

Katie,
Wait a while and see how much your hair grows...6 months is a long time...
Be THANKFUL that your headaches, twitches, and other symptoms are GONE and that your surgery was a SUCCESS.

Jackietex said...

Katie, I'm sorry about the buzz cut. I told you earlier that my daughter has a pretty big scar on her leg. (carepages.com, she's browneyegirlie09) About three months after her surgeries she started losing hair in huge chunks. That was very hard on her. This is a girl, now seventeen, that never hides her scars. The hair? It made us both cry. Last year there was another skin graft surgery and she lost more hair, although not as much. This August she had jaw surgery and has started losing it again! It is a woman's "crowning glory." It IS difficult. Take some time, deal with the grief, and then figure out what will look best. It will work out.

ashley said...

Katie...
I posted earlier, but I had another thought. Although your hair is shaved right now, in 5-6 months time it will be slightly longer... long enough to have extensions put in for the wedding if you wanted. You could have them put extensions in the lower part of your hair so that it would be the length that you wanted and then you could do the hairstyle you wanted :D
Just another idea for you to consider... I know what its like not having hair, and it sucks... but there is always a solution to every problem :)

the queen said...

Don't cut you hair until maybe a month before the wedding. You dont have enough information now to make a major decision like that, and I am not being sarcastic. I'd feel the same, and I wouldn't apologize for it or dislike myself for it.

kim-d said...

What Monkling said, yes. And I also agree with "the queen."

And now I want you listen to me, and imagine my stern Mom-voice. Stop, right this instance, beating yourself up for having your feelings. They are your feelings and you are entitled to them, so stop feeling guilty. This instant. If you feel like it, stomp your feet, scream, cry (more than you already have), and eat sweets. You may think it's just about hair, but it's not. You even said, for right now you've lost your independence and a dream for the your wedding. Those things are huge. Plus, here's something you haven't considered. Even though you are not taking pain meds now, you were. Pain meds tend to make you depressed. It sounds to me like those effects are right on schedule. So, feel what you feel as long as you need to feel it, and then move on and do what you need to do to get ready for your wedding.

And, another thing. We know that you are VERY THANKFUL that your headaches, twitches and other symptoms are GONE and that your surgery was a SUCCESS. We know that what you posted today has nothing to do with your THANKFULNESS over your SUCCESSFUL surgery making it so that your symptoms are GONE. We know this is something totally different.

And me? I love ya.

FerFur said...

Hi Katie,

Don't think that you aren't allowed to feel bad about your hair. I'm in the same boat you are in, I'm getting married in February, and my hair falls out in chunks because I'm on chemo for Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I know girls dream about their weddings all of their lives, but in reality, it's just a day. It's what happens afterwards when you start living together as man and wife is the important thing. It's the love that you feel for each other.

You still have 6 months, I'm sure you will look beautiful on your special day. Hang in there.

Jennifer

Daisy Duke said...

Don't be embarassed- hair is important and you've made it clear you realize that you have your health and get to marry the man of your dreams.

Just remember..hair grows about an inch a month. You can increase this by taking vitamin E, and brushing it with a soft bristle brush every night (to stimulate the hair follicles). Last year I set a goal to actually eat my 6 servings of fruits and veggies a day- and when I was accomplishing it, my hair and nails were growing like CRAZY.

And, no matter what happens, your hair will look great at your wedding- short or long.