Christmas Communism

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I am a stickler for tradition. I can't help it, I am. My grandmother was a huge traditionalist and in a lot of ways I'm a lot like the way she was when she was alive, especially with the crazy. A lot of that slipped into the genes.

So you can imagine my horror when I received the following email regarding Christmas dinner. The dinner that is and always has been, Turkey, Mashed Potatoes, Bacon Green Beens, Burn and Serve Rolls, and Pies. Always. Since the birth of time. Or at least me.

(names have been changed to protect the innocent and my comments are in bold)
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Hello Family,

The Christmas Party is at Oldest and Meanest Uncle's house at 3:00 on the 25th. In an effort to avoid another “ Ham and dessert incident” (That happened at Easter. We NEVER have Ham at Christmas. It's blasphemy) and to change it up a bit (why? WHY would you want to do that?), I have selected recipes and am assigning family members to the recipes *cough* because I'm a dictator *cough* so that everyone can contribute to what I am sure will be an outstanding meal *cough* because I'm in charge *cough*. It should be fun to deviate from our standard holiday fare (no it won't), and also get some of the “xers” (who?) into the kitchen.

The recipes are located on the website allrecipes.com. IF you have not tried this site now is the time because I am a dictator and I say so. I use it all the time to come up with recipes and it has a number of handy tools which will help you make great food.
The tools include:
1. Serving calculator to increase or decrease servings. (the party will be 20 people)
2. Reviews by other cooks of the recipes, to provide ideas to improve the recipe.
If you're assigning the recipes, does it matter if we like the site we're using? Do prisoners care about the brand of pick axes they're using to break blocks?

Below are the assignments (ASSIGNMENTS? Am I being graded?) with the recipe to pull off the website.

22 year old cousin: Vegetable Dip (with fresh vegetables to dip into the dip)
27 year old cousin: Best Bruschetta Ever
2nd oldest uncle: Hearty Wheat Yeast Rolls
oldest, slightly crazy, aunt: Fresh Fruit Salad
Perfect sister: Greek Green Beans
Youngest (and favorite) aunt: Supreme Scalloped Potatoes
My mom & Katie: Dark Chocolate Cake 1
Grandpa, who really likes to drink Wine
Dictators: Honey baked Ham, Tri-tip, baked goodies.

I know everyone is up to the challenge, and if you don’t think it will come off on the first go, you have time to practice (gee thanks). As added incentive, priceless awards (Oldest uncle's handmade jewelry) will be handed out for best presentation, and best attitude (in other words, no whining) um, bite me.

Optional: If you wish you may bring beverages to share.

Questions: Give us a call or email dictator@dictators.r.us
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I think we can safely say I will not be receiving any of the rewards for not whining.

6 comments:

Ashley said...

I'm with you on the tradition Katie... I'm big on tradition (and routines in general) and I'm not a huge fan of change.

My family tried to do ham for Christmas last year (we've NEVER done ham at Christmas) and I pretty much ended up getting my dad too cook me a turkey too

This probably wont help you much, but just wanted to let you know you're not the only traditionalist out there :)

PS... has anyone else noticed the word verifications getting longer? I used to only have to type 5 characters now it's 9!

kim-d said...

Well, I'm right in there with you and Ashley on the need for tradition. And to take it one step further, which I am fond of doing, just the general TONE of that little letter or e-mail or whatever-the-hell-it-is would make me NOT do whatever the DickTater wanted me to do. Who died and made that person President of Holiday Menus? Oooh, how irritating. And, for good measure, I find food with "titles" a little irritating. For Christmas, I want mashed potatoes not Supreme-Anything potatoes. And you can best bet if he/she assigned DARK chocolate cake; I'd make it milk chocolate, or possibly even German chocolate (you know, for the Holiday Menu Nazi--NO TURKEY FOR YOU!). I could go on and on, as you've probably noticed. But I'll wrap up with this thought--The Best Bruschetta Ever? Says who?

Well, thanks, Katie. That was fun. I didn't realize I had so much bottled-up rage...hehehe.

Merry freakin' Christmas...

Tamara said...

I linked to you from one of my college buddies at heartcookingbrain. And as I read this first post, you made me miss home so much simply by the mention of tri-tip. I'm a transplant to the midwest where they've never heard of tri tip before!

lace1070 said...

LOL! your post cracked me up ~ love that the oldest, slightly crazy, aunt is bringing 'fruit' salad! Sounds like you will have a fun time with the dictators! I think you should really mess with them and bring an armadillo cake made out of red velvet cake mix (think Steele Magnolias)! Hugs to you ~ Lace

the queen said...

This sounds like my friend Caroline's brother's Christmas list - complete with SKU numbers, store names, and prices.

I think you should make all these foods, but you should then wear a discreet little zipper pull glued to the bottom of your scar.

Nola (nolanotes.com) said...

Yipes. I am a tradionalist myself. That's why I like having the party at my house!!! Best of luck!