The Whitetrash Wedding, part uno.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

As a preface (because I am the master of parenthetical thoughts), I want you to know that yes, I am going to pass judgement in this post and in the one I'll write sometime tomorrow. I do not mean to do it categorically and I apologize in advance if I offend anymore, but my senses have been assaulted all weekend and I want to share. Because I'm super-nice like that. Just relax and understand that I'm not making fun of you. Really, I'm not.

This weekend was my step-sister's wedding, so it's been very busy around these parts with hardly a minute of rest. Just as a reminder, this is the same step-sister mentioned in this post. And again, for the record, I like all of the items on that page, it's the combination that is overwhelming, don't wig out on me yet.

Anyway, Friday was the rehearsal dinner and it started with fireworks. The metaphorical kind. See, my step-dad's ex-wife is, how should I put it? Um, completely crazy. And I'm not trying to be mean, but she's actually crazy. And somewhat voluntarily at that. Anyways, so we walked in the door to the restaurant and she happened to be at the head of one table where we could not go to our seats without getting near to her. When we got closer, my mom noticed someone nearby that she wanted to introduce my sister and me to, and so she stopped to be, what's that again, oh yes, polite. My sister made the mistake of saying hi to the ex-wife and then Crazypants started YELLING about how we had to sit at *THAT* table because we are in the NameIWon'tUse Family, and AS WE ALL KNOW she is not anymore. She's all alone. I'm not exaggerating (and for the record, I am not a NameIWon'tUse nor will I ever be, that's the way that marriage works). She went on and on and on for several minutes. My mom tried to politely point out that this wasn't about her or their issues, it was about the daughter getting married, to which she got a lot of arm waving and yelling of "whatever." It was vaguely reminiscent of the kind of fight you'd see between two girls in high school, except that only one of them was fighting and the other one was moderately sane.

So the evening continues that way, such that anytime anyone walked over to say hello to us, she'd catch them on the way back and talk about us. And not really discretely either. There was much pointing, and occasional flipping-off, because, you know, that's all different kinds of appropriate at a nice dinner.

Perhaps the most frightening part (other than the fact that she's easily 5 inches and 50 pounds bigger than me) is that I've known this woman virtually my whole life. I've never been anything other than kind to her, neither has my mother and yet, she feels a need to shoot laser beam like eyes my way everytime she sees me. I could have holes in my forehead from where she stunned me. As if I, am in any way, to blame for her divorce. Trust me lady, I had no part in that. I'm pretty sure it was on account of the fact that you're crazy.

And don't get me wrong, I'm 100% all for political correctness, but frankly, there's no other word that means what she is. There's just not. I'm open to suggestions, but any 50 year old woman who picks fights with other people at her daughter's rehearsal dinner is pretty much the textbook definition of nuts. Her daughter even apologized to us and said, "you know she's crazy, right?" See, I'm not just being mean, I actually pity her quite a lot. That can't be an easy or low-stress life, what with having to make every little thing into a humongous deal.

So that was part 1, we haven't even gotten to the wedding yet. I'll give you a hint of tomorrow's post though: I now have a nice long list of things that I do, and more importantly, do not want, at my wedding. And my step-dad's ex-wife isn't even anywhere near the top of that second list. (Yes, I know I'm a horrible person. I'm pretty much over it.)


kim-d said...

MWAHAHAHA! So sue me, but I think this is hilarious! I am so relieved to know I'm not the only one with those fun, less-than-sane family members! And what is it about weddings and all of the wedding festivities that makes those folks lose whatever tenuous grip on sanity that they had before? HAHAHA! To be honest, I'm kinda hoping that there will be some part of this wedding that includes alcohol, because THAT really adds to the fun-ness. Usually fisticuffs ensue! I CANNOT wait for Part Deux--please hurry!

And just so you know? I can be your huge wooden beam if that's what you need :)!

Lanny said...

Can't wait for part 2! Totally OT, but everytime I read your blog, I dream about CC's mint hot chocolate. Man I miss those!