The Whitetrash Wedding, part the second

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Okay, where was I? Oh yes, the actual wedding. Instead of trying to do a play by play, I'm just going to list the top 15 things I'd like to do, or not do, for my wedding. See, that's me being a nice person not making you read so much. Remember that nicety afer you read the rest of this post.

1. I will not be getting married in Bakersfield. Not because I have something against the place, I was born and raised there, but here's the thing- Bakersfield in the summer is, how do you say it? Oh yes, hotter than the hinges of hell. It was a sweltering 102* on Saturday and the wedding was at 6pm. Outside. But see, Bakersfield, unlike the rest of the places where humans dwell, doesn't really cool down at night (I suppose that's actually relative, it did cool down to a balmy 95* by the time the ceremony began). And while I'm planning on having an outdoor wedding in June, having one in Bakersfield in July, well, it's just hot. There's no better adjective. I could list all the places I was sweating, but that would be crude, and I'm just not into that. Generally speaking.

2. I will have small bottles of water at my wedding, because that was thinking ahead, and I'm fairly sure we can credit those bottles of water for hundreds of people not passing out.

3. I will start my wedding at least close to on time. We got there at 5:45, sat in the air conditioned room for a few minutes and then we were herded outside at about 5 'til 6. And there we sat and waited. And waited. And waited. The wedding started 27 minutes after it was scheduled, which wasn't that bad considering that that the bride has been upwards of an hour late for other things. On the other hand, considering that it was 900 FREAKING DEGREES outside, it was that bad.

4. I will not recite the alphabet, nor will I display it. The outside area for the ceremony was decorated, mostly in pink and white, which were the wedding colors. They had two giant flags hanging, one with her first initial and one with his (pink flags with white letters, and hers had a rose on it, not to be pretty but because the woman who ironed them the night before fell asleep with the iron on and burned a hole in the middle of it. Heh.) See, the thing is, that like The Fiance and I, their first initials happen to be two letters that are next to each other in the alphabet, so the flags looked like something that belonged in a kindergarten classroom with the other 24 letters.

5. I will put seatbelts on all the chairs containing children. I don't think I need to elaborate on this one except to say that the cake was in grave danger many times.

6. I will force The Fiance to practice the wedding vows even before the rehearsal. Because if you don't, you risk the chance of him promising you his pride and INfidelity, instead of fidelity and then when you recite it, even properly, at the ceremony, both sides of the bridal party will crack up laughing.

7. I will not handwrite the placecards in pencil. Again, no elaboration needed.

8. I will not require, nor endorse, karaoke. No, I'm not joking. The three of 16 tables labelled as "reserved" got to go get their food, but per the bride's instructions, no other table could go until at least one person sang a song with the word "love" in it, acapella, into the microphone. It's a good thing that I was at a reserved table, because I'd have gnawed off my own arm before I'd sing. And then, the first 9 to 10 songs of the reception were various family members and friends singing songs, several of which were from Disney movies. And while I'm at it, I probably won't let my 80+ year old grandmother sing at my wedding period. Especially not twice.

9. I will make my slideshow myself, because sometimes when you let other family members do it, they pick pictures of you wearing Munchkin costumes. Or pictures from that stage that all girls go through when you think it's cool to take pictures posing like a model and really you look like a super awkward pre-teen.

10. I will put a maximum number of words on my toasts, as well as capping the total number of toasts at 3. Her father spoke first, then her older sister, who's speach, which was 4 1/2 pages TYPED, and was probably the meanest speech I've ever heard. The first 3 pages were recounting memories that no one wants to recount. Like wetting your pants on a car trip, or choosing to read all night verses getting "beauty rest." Methinks that the older sister who gave the second toast was a little bitter about not getting married first. The third toast was her younger sister, and the 4th was her grandmother, who also made a number of little jabs at her.

11. I will not tolerate my new husband sitting with his friends all evening. Did you read that honey? I WILL NOT TOLERATE IT. Lovies.

12. I will not follow the garter tradition. Yes, I'll wear one (despite the fact that I find it ever so slightly raunchy to begin with), yes we'll do the garter toss. But what I won't do is make the girl who caught the bouquet put the garter on the guy to who caught the garter, especially not if the goal is to get it as high up his leg as possible. Apparently the higher it goes, the longer you'll stay married. Frankly, if the height of a garter on a leg is what determines the longevity of our marriage we're already in trouble.

13. I will seat my parents, The Fiance's parents and other waring factions at separate tables so that if one (or more of them) happens to be completely crazy they don't have to stare at each other all evening.

14. I will give my mother at 2 drink maximum, because who knew that 3 gin and tonics in an hour will make almost anyone belligerant?

15. I will hopefully look as beautiful as the bride did and we will surely be as happy as they were (see, I'm still nice somewhere deep inside, but you really have to dig around to find it).

So that's mostly it. There were probably 6 or 7 blog entries worth of information at the wedding, but I'm going to cap it at two, because I'm pretty sure I'm already headed for hell for this, I don't need to start digging there just yet.


kim-d said...

Awww, you decided to go with nice for part the second! Which is a nice thing to do--especially since I can read between the lines. And, as I said in Part Uno, I've BEEN TO THIS WEDDING MANY TIMES--only the faces, names and state are different! And I think my family trumps yours MANY times over in the alcohol factor..hehe! THREE of anything isn't even a good warm-up! Speak of Part Uno, I clicked on the other commenter's blog and, oh, how cute/sweet/FUNNY! I'm going to have to comment. Don't know if this is a friend of yours, but I love the blog and the child!

As for you, Missy, I'm so excited that you will soon be heading home to The Mr. and The Kitty. I assume that the wedding will be June, 2008? The time is going to go SO FAST!