Addicted to Love.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

After driving 900 miles today, I feel wiser. I had A LOT of time to contemplate a lot of things. And now, in Los Angeles, I'm a mere 120 miles from where I was raised, and yet I feel farther from home than ever. (I offer you a mush warning now, it's like cream-of-wheat from here on out...)

I feel completely ridiculous because it's been less than 3 full days since I left, and I miss The Fiance so very much. There were about 10 times today I wanted to spin the car around on the grassy median and drive back to New Orleans and just envelope myself in his arms. Part of it is because he's very stressed about a test and I can't fix it, despite my incredible overwhelming desire to do so. And part is because I treated him pretty horribly in the past 2 weeks. It's like I made leaving him easier by being the worst possible version of myself. I would have a thought in my head, nice and normal and then through some version of verbal diarrhea say something critical or mean or otherwise completely unnecessary. I could say that it was said with "good intentions" but I generally feel that that is an excuse for saying something that hurts someone else's feelings without owning up to it. I'm owning up to it, I was awful and he knows my levels of guilt and apologies, but it doesn't change what was said.

It occurs to me that it also has something to do with the fact that I'm possibly more in love than I've ever been. I know that seems somewhat counterintuitive, but I think my thoughts get clouded by my feelings and my feelings make me horribly inarticulate and basically just stupid.

Love between a man and a woman is not perfect. It's human-based. Love is the most unimaginable highs and some of the lowest lows. It's where seconds feeling like hours and hours feeling like seconds. It's being jealous, not out of a place of not being trusting, but out of a place of selfishness, because when you love someone THAT much, you don't want anyone else to have access to them. Love is feinging happiness for something that is good in the big picture, but feels sucky in the current timeframe. It's knowing that your head fits perfectly on his chest and knowing that your foot fits perfect in your mouth. Love is being able to complicate something as simple as a button-hole and also being able to tackle the meaning of life. It's being wrong and being right, it's never truly being alone. Love is all the things that make us happy, sad, crazy and special. It is worth every effort and every struggle. I wouldn't trade a moment of the past 3 years for the world.

Just in case I don't say it enough, you are IT. You are worth the effort, the pain, the struggles and everything else that's gotten us here. You are what keeps my world right-side up when everything else sets it spinning. You are what makes me tick when I'm too tired to keep going. You are my compass, my true North. And perhaps more than anything else right now, you are missed.