Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I had the distinct pleasure of going to the gynecologist this morning. There's just nothing quite as pleasant as that experience.

First the questions. I cannot imagine some people saying "yes" to these questions, I'm embarrassed just hearing the questions, I can't imagine actually doing some the things that they ask. Others are just completely absurd. And then there's the clothing. Who decided that a small paper sheet was the same thing as wearing pants? Excuse me, you'll need the close that door a little tighter, my shirt opens to the front and my whole ass is exposed. And once you get me "dressed" in this gettup, perhaps you could not sit and chat with me before starting. Let's get the show on the road, eh?

And then the exam itself begins. Feet are in stirrups and you're encouraged to "scoot down." I really want to know if there are women who can scoot down a table when they're naked, being watched and have BOTH FEET IN STIRRUPS. Additionally, there is a nicer way to tell someone that they're boobs are lumpy than, "man, there are a lot of lumps in here." Hey thanks, because this isn't embarrassing enough without having to talk about it too. And while we're on that, I do not wish to have a conversation with you while you are touching my breasts or sticking anything in my nether regions. I don't care that your daughter goes to school in California or what you did on your 3 day weekend, I'm trying very hard to pretend that this isn't happening, and you're interfering with my daydream.

Would it be too much to ask to warn me that you're about to grope at my ovaries while mashing my stomach at the same time? And you seem surprised when that hurts. How could it not? you're palpating my innerds. Maybe I should shove my finger up your nose and press on your sinuses at the same time.

The whole experience is just very disturbing. If you're going to get all the way to 3rd base, you should at least play some mood music or buy me a cup of coffee first. Or better yet, alcohol. Can you imagine how much better this whole experience would be with a large margarita and an iPod? So so much better.


Anonymous said...

Yeah, I hear its worse if you're a woman.....