Noah's Ark 2007

Friday, May 4, 2007

I was awakened at 2:45 this morning by what I can only describe as an apocalyptic storm. And no, I'm not even exaggerating one bit. Really, the world may have come to a halt briefly around 3 this morning. Or perhaps it was just the top of my blood pressure reaching the 3000 mark. Whatever it was, I woke up this morning and toyed with the idea of constructing my own ark. Only, you know, without the animals. I'm pretty sure God would frown upon the situation, but frankly, besides my cat, I have no desire to save any animals around here.

The native creatures here include the biggest cockroaches on the face of the earth. They're roughly the size of my freakishly big foot and oddly, I'm the only person in the house capable to dealing with them. Last night, some unnamed adult male FREAKED out because there was a cockroach in the trashcan (which to me seems like a pretty great place for one). So I went to close it and a tiny little infant cockroach fell on the floor, which I squished and threw it into the garbage bag. No harm, no foul. I had no sooner grabbed the bag when the queen mother of the cockroaches emerged and made a break for my hand. I don't know much, but I'm pretty sure the cockroach was developing opposable thumbs. And claws. And poisonous fangs. After regaining my composure (and finding a new pair of underwear), I sealed the bag and threw it away, bugs and all.

Another native species we're currently dealing with are caterpillars. Yes, you heard me right. They're very cute and fuzzy looking, but they sting like a bee. Not in the metaphorical way either, they literally sting you. It's sort of confusing. It's like if Snuggles the fabric softner bear had vampire fangs.

And finally, the last, and perhaps most demeaning native animal is the neighbor's cat, who comes over to flaunt his thin frame in front of our extra extra wide cat. For the record cat, our cat doesn't need to see you, she's not "overweight", she's just big boned. And has a large frame. And LOVES cat food. And people food. And bugs. And dust bunnies. And virtually anything small enough to be ingested, and a few things that are too big. Sigh, I'm sure we'll never figure out her weight problem.

I suppose this is all part of the beauty of the South. And by beauty I mean super pain in the ass-ness.


kim-d said...

Oh Katie, I'm L'ing MAO here! All I can say is this--Karma the Wonder Cat NEEDS to be extra extra wide and large-boned in order to defend herself again those others you were talking about. There is just no way I could deal with cockroaches the likes of which you have there! You and The Mr. aren't planning on staying there forever, are you? Just wondering. HAHA!

Daisy, Just Daisy said...

I came over from Caringbridge, and I know you don't know me but I love your writing. I went to Tulane undergrad, law school in Chicago, and the one thing I don't miss, at all, (about New Orleans) are the mutant cockroaches that FLY AT YOUR HEAD. Or those catepillars which also FALL ON YOUR HEAD. Whew. I didn't know I hated them so much.